Tag Archives: douchebag

Martin Muli – Our Man in Nairobi

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Who are you?

I am Martin Muli Makau Muli a young energetic 28 years old single man- I just realized that am growing old and therefore am contemplating changing my name to Mateen which is sounds and looks more youthful and appealing. I come  from a small village called matuu near the famous Ndallas hotel  but  I stay in Nairobi the city in the sun.  Nairobi is in Kenya and Kenya is in Africa!

What do you do for fun?

I ussually hang out with friends interested in discussing world issues including a critical analysis of local politics, entrepreneurship and social issues. Of late, i have found myself gravitating towards movies- the funny family kind of movies. I hate horrors though!  I am also into swimming a new hobby i picked up in Merville a small village in BC, Canada. I can now comfortably do back strokes!

What is your Favourite Community?

Politicians and entrepreneurs form my favourites communities.  They alway think outside the box and are always faced with new challenges each day. I am fascinated by their ability to build something from nothing and at the same time turn friends into enemies and enemies into friends.

What is your superpower?

Listening. Smiling. Analytical.

I listen like a homicide detective. This gives me a lot of stability and control over situations and therefore i am able to handle crisis and help people get over tough situations.  I share alot with entrepreneurs and politicians who face challenges everyday. I am able to analyze and disseminate all information with a simple smile.  Just imagine you tell me how tough and complicated things are and then i look at you, smile and start talking. Listening is for grasping the real scenario, Smile for disarming all negatives and Analytics is for putting you back  on course!

How do you use it to build community?

Two words: smile-analysis.

My Three Favourite Things About Martin Muli Are…

1. Dancing. Having a dance party? Be sure to invite Martin Muli. He’s a dance-machine who can dip and bend in ways that make un-rhythmic North American Germans like Kurt Heinrich shudder and stiffen. Martin Muli dances his soul.

2. Generosity. I’m lucky to know that when Michelle and visit Kenya we will be welcomed into the Muli family’s home with open arms. This may or may not be why I ensured that the Daily Gumboot finance the opening of a bureau in East Africa…

3. “Canadians are not passionate.” This comment came out during a discussion of Kenya’s near-collapse into anarchy. Martin Muli asked me what it would take for Canadians to show a Kenyan-kind – or any kind – of passion towards their politics. As much as it stung, I appreciated his candor, honesty and, well, that he’s pretty accurate in his assessment of our being a pretty wussie nation of non-boat-rockers.

As told by John Horn…

To Douchebag, or Not to Douchebag?

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Editor’s Note: let’s face it, some people are just jerks/a$$holes/sharks/douchebags – and they exist in our neighbourhoods, classrooms, workplaces, families, and many other communities. Can, or should, we change them? Should all members of said communities be held to a higher, golden-rule-ish standard of kindness, inclusiveness and non-douchebagery? The question is discussed and debated below by superawesome Correspondents, Steve and Michelle. When you finish reading be sure to join the thread of commentary. Whether or not you pick a side is totally up to you. Thanks!

- John

Befriend a Douchebag Today!

By: Stephen Sloot – Special Guest Correspondent

Communities are chock-a-block with douchebags.  Spend an evening at your local pub/café/park and you’ll undoubtedly encounter a table of douchebags whose football-throwing-Hollister-clad-Diesel-reek so disrupts your table’s collective vibe that conversation turns to abrasive mocking of said douches.  Some of us (those who self-identify as non-douches; folks perhaps part of a food co-op, ultimate Frisbee team, or other things that White People Like) feel compelled to verbally tear apart this group, as though we were given special licence to vituperate the subculture without remorse.  This does not encourage togetherness (a mainspring of community).

Douchebags can play an important role in your community.  It’s unchallenging to see their negative impact on community fabric.  Yes, their presence is a continuation of a high school cliché, the early douche antagonizing innocent drama club or student council members. [see Freaks and Geeks, ep 01 – ep 18].   The fully-grown douchebag exists as the metaphoric canary of community health.  Their individual gravity codifies social structure, in fact.

Imagine for a moment that you and your special lady/man are walking down the street, maybe popping in to King of Dosas – a douchebag unmistakably buds in front of you in line.  You’re a nice guy/gal…you don’t want to say anything because it’d just create more trouble/work for you.  It’s best to be polite and stew.

Enter the anti-douche.  These are the people who are specially designed to aid social protocol.  They emerge from their otherwise gentile exteriors to out-douche the douche.

“Get the fuck out of line, douche,” the anti-douche will say.  And 4/5 times, the douche skulks to the back of the line, muttering something about a left-wing politics and a Prius.

Being part of a community is not choosing a circle of friends.  Douches belong whether we like it or not.  Labelling subcultures breeds tribalism, the antithesis of community.  Tempering the douche is the responsibility of all.  Let out your inner-douche every once in a while.

If we seek to eliminate the douche based on a learned set of behaviours we reduce ourselves to: “if you’re not like me, leave.”  The communities I want to live in, contribute to, they’re the communities that encourage constructive dialogue and concede that none of us are perfect, surface or in our safe enclave where everyone agrees.  Difference helps us become better people, creative folks with different solutions to complex problems within our communities.  Befriend a douchebag today!

For the sake of the community, bring out the antidouche!

By: Michelle Burtnyk

Do you like interacting with douchebags? Do you ever find yourself coming home at the end of a long day, fondly remembering your run-in with a douchebag: Man, I LOVED listening to that douchebag talk on his Blackberry to his buddy about how he was so much better looking that all the other guys at his gym, while holding up the grocery store line … that conversation was so interesting! Or, how many times do you come home from a party thinking how much more fun it was due to the high douchebag-antidouchebag ratio:You know, that party was awesome – I love how all those guys kept on hitting on my fiancé even though they knew we were engaged – they really know how to stir things up!

Don't let this happen to you - stand up to the Douche!

No, I didn’t think so. Nobody likes douchebags. Douchebags don’t even like douchebags. They’re obnoxious, arrogant, and think they’re better than everyone else. Luckily, most of the time they’re pretty easy to pick out – besides their dreadful attitudes and defective personalities, they usually sport pretty ridiculous outfits (stay tuned for Godfrey’s post on Douchebag fashion for top tips on picking out your resident douchebag).

Mr. Sloot would have one believe that douchebags belong whether we like it or not – and labeling a douche a douche leads to tribalism and a decline in community. I beg to differ. Imagine a community without douchebags … go ahead, it is possible! There would be less conflict, less tension, and less doucheyness in the air (due to the decline in Axe body spray sales, I believe). How is this douchebag-free community achievable, you ask? As mentioned, douchebags are pretty easy to spot. And, most douchebags are fairly cowardly, prone to skulking off once their inflated sense of self has been popped. Douchebags need to be confronted – it’s only in this way that they’ll realize their behaviour is unacceptable. While Mr. Sloot (in a somewhat douchey way) suggests we all let out our inner douche once in a while, I would suggest instead that it might be time for us all to look inside and let out our anti-douche.

The East African Douchebag

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The Daily Gumboot team is more than convinced that the population of douchebags is higher in East Africa than any other part of the world. Well, the inhabitants of East Africa exhibit a combination of sophistication and traditional behaviours except for a few wannabes who’s lifestyles is a true imitation of the glorified Hollywood stars. While the bigger percentage of East African are extremely jovial and interesting, Hospitable and indeed fascinating, a few are extremely irritating, disgusting and serial imitators. We cannot forget how Clint Eastwood the famous American Actor, composer and film star influenced Kenyan bad boys and rapper wannabbes with his 1983 Sudden Impact Movie.  In an effort to identify with Hollywood stars, Kenwood wannabes borrowed a line from Clint Eastwood and the controversial Makmende was born.

Makmende is a glorified mid – twenties trendy lad who dons afro hair style and belly bottom trousers that sweep the streets of Nairobi better than the city council brooms! Single men hate him because he is a guy who will unapologetically and fearlessly date your girlfriend, your friends’ fiancé and neighbour’s daughter at the same day, at the same time, just at different venues! Professors call him genius, while the villagers believe he is an outcast. They have accused him of impregnating a high school girl by just standing next to her!  It is claimed that when Makmende was in high school, the school Principal used to wash his shirts and brush his shoes! He was a ruthless bully to the administration and a hero to the helpless.

Just a band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mG1vIeETHc&NR=1 featured Makmende in their hit song Ha-He and within a few days, Makmende was the hottest item on Facebook and Twitter. CNN investigative journalists where extremely shocked by how controversial Makmende was. They recently released shocking revelations collected from Kenyans who tried to explain who Makmende is:

  1. Makmende can die and read his own eulogy.
  2. Makmende will never be allowed in McDonald\s…it’s a conflict of interest!
  3. Makmende once visited the British Virgin Islands. They are now known just as the British Islands….
  4. Makmende is so huge, he can’t fit in Wikipedia
  5. Obama insists Makmende is his young brother. He has ordered DNA test after Makmende disagreed.
  6. Only makmende can pocket when he is naked.
  7. Makmende can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
  8. Makmende is a disgusting douchbag; he uses Viagra as his eye drops just to look hard.
  9. When he was born he cut his own umbilical cord!!!!!
  10. Moulder and Scully tried to investigate Makmende, thats why the X Files were completely sealed.
  11. Makmende is the only one who can walk to hell and the devil says “OMG”
  12. When Makmende’ sister lost her virginity, he found it and gave it back to her!

Do you agree with the first part of number 8? Have I found a douchebag in Africa?

Thank you.

This has been a profile of the East African Douchebag by Martin Muli who is not yet a douchebag!