Tag Archives: Sports

Octopi Falls 4-3 in Bronze Medal Match

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This Soccer Ball Reflects on the Fourth Place Finish for Octopi Vancouver

[Editor's note: for the record, our Wednesday night soccer experience began with five members of the Octopi Vancouver team moving the goal into position - basically setting up the field - as two administrators/supervisors from Urban Rec stood right next to this activity and sipped their coffee and made terrible jokes, which begs the question: what do our pricy Vancouver Urban Rec fees actually pay for?!]

On a crisp, clear Wednesday night at Thunderbird Stadium, a substitute-sparse Octopi Vancouver squad went down 4-3 against a very chippy The Scoring Machine “team” – other accepted synonyms for “team” in this description might include “gang” or “hooligans” or “Postmodern Peles” (the last one is my personal favourite).

The Octopi squad began the game with vigour and urgency, hitting goal posts, crossbars and narrowly missing the corners of the Scoring Machine’s net. About 10 minutes into the first half, John Horn, making a great run down the left side in the third-person, crossed the ball squarely on to the foot of dashing right-winger, Jessica Pautsch, who expertly looped it into the top corner, away from the sprawling – and quite talented as well as handsome – keeper.

1-0 Octopi.

The first half wrapped up with Pautsch on a break-away – if there were actual referees (perhaps Kinesiology students from SFU or UBC, you know, to tackle youth unemployment and student debt in BC while simultaneously providing meaningful experiential learning opportunities for the future leaders of our healthy and happy community) I’m sure that the play would have been allowed to carry on – but the non-game-specific whistle blew and Jessica wasn’t allowed to snipe her second goal of the match.

Still 1-0 Octopi.

The second half saw Octopi drop into a 3-2-1 defensive formation, which was a dumb idea, as The Scoring Machine earned a quick tally following a strong run down the left-side by one of their nicer players. In between their first and second goal, The Scoring Machine’s centre defender, Long Sleeved Black Shirt, absolutely throttled Octopi’s star striker, Erin Loxam – again, if UrbanRec employed referees the gentleman might’ve been asked to leave the game at this point.

1-1 draw.

After a blazing goal kick by The Scoring Machine’s handsome goalkeeper, All-Urban-Rec defender, Matt Kieltyka, whiffed on the ball and one of the opposing team’s players sprinted in for an unopposed goal.

2-1 The Scoring Machine.

Following some intense pressure by Sustainable Stewart Burgess and Prautsch, a The Scoring Machine pass, deflected by Prautsch, found its way to Horn’s foot – the striker made no mistake, burying the shot in the back corner. As Horn said to Kieltyka later, “karma was on our side, man – they caught a break, and so did we, because the universe wants us to win.”

2-2 Octopi (yes, we were winning).

On the heels of their second goal, some great passing between Kurt Heinrich, Kieltyka and Roger Hosking finally got the ball to under-appreciated/utilized star striker, Loxam, who promptly netted her 27th goal of the season with impressive aplomb.

3-2 Octopi.

This is where things got weird.

First, there were the antics from a bald and bearded talker from The Scoring Machine side – in no more than three minutes he took an illegal shot on goal from the post-score-kickoff, attempted to throw the ball into the net (it was a legit throw-in, but still weird), yelled at the Octopi team for diving and whining, proceeded to dive and whine himself, knocked down Burgess and Hosking at least twice, and started a goal-mouth scrambled that resulted in The Scoring Machine’s third goal. Following this experience John Horn, talking in the third-person, loudly referred to the gentleman as “The Postmodern Pele” – #amazing.

3-3 The Scoring Machine (they had the momentum and, thanks to their ample substitutes, the legs).

Only moments later, Heinrich made a stomping run down the right side and sent a perfect cross to Horn, who was waiting at the far post. Horn, in the third-person, chested the ball down and sent a cracking half-volley at the goal, which was expertly stopped by The Scoring Machine’s keeper.

The chippy play continued with Long Sleeved Black Shirt sweep-kicking the ankles of star striker Loxam – again, if there were referees in the game this player/goon would (a) not have even been in the game at this time and (b) would have been put in his place by an official, instead of an Octopi player, making a call – when Loxam said “you fouled me” the player/goon responded “no I didn’t, you slipped; now stop whining and get up.” #notaclassact #payforrefs

With little time left, Postmodern Pele got involved in another goal-mouth scramble and, somehow, the ball crossed the touch line in spite of a great effort from League MVP David Willinsky.

4-3 The Scoring Machine.

The Octopi Vancouver squad wrapped up the season with an impressive 5-4-2 record and a fourth place finish in their first season together. Other teams in the Urban Rec league best keep on the lookout for this up-and-coming soccer football powerhouse. And the Urban Rec organizers/management best be on the lookout for a strongly worded letter and pending petition that addresses their knowing sacrifice of health, safety and fun for slightly awesomer profit margins.

Great season, team!

Octopi Brings up Farm Team Blue Chippers to Earn 1-1 Draw

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Thanks, Katie@! and Flickr Creative Commons

With General-Manager-Coach-Director-of-Public-Relations-Starting-Centre-Defenseman Kurt Heinrich away at an undisclosed honeymoon location, an under-staffed Octopi Vancouver squad called in some favours and called up some enthusiastic talent from the team’s junior league squad, The Soccer Balls. Thanks to Blaine, Chris, Beau, Jess, and Andrea for your stellar contributions – and sorry for any name-related spelling mistakes…

It was a mild and dewy Wednesday night under the lights of UBC’s Thunderbird stadium. And we played some soccer. Against another team. They were called “Totti Hots Purr” and there is a good chance that they cheated en route to a 1-1 draw against an Octopi squad that, in addition to enduring probable cheating, struggled to control play in the middle of the field and failed to capitalize on some really good scoring opportunities.

Expertly backstopped by All Star goaltender David Willinsky, Octopi dominated the first half. Soccer Generalist and Everyman, Brenton Walters, worked the middle of the field and the sidelines with new recruits Jess and Andrea to near perfection – only a few misstrikes (it’s a word), an off-the-post-header, and, as I mentioned before, probable cheating the their opponents, saw Octopi race through the first 10 minutes without notching at least two goals.

And then John Horn – following a great header from New Guy Chris (who, incidentally, refused to sport a bright pink Octopi kit … no judgment …) and a great attacking run in the third person – ping-ponged the ball past two defenders and half-a-goalie before cracking it into the back of a half-empty-net. Things looked good for Octopi.

Now back to the cheating. Look, all I’m saying is that, from the sidelines, it looked as though the Totti Hots Purr player – after being pushed to the turf by our team during an intense goal-mouth scramble – hand-passed the ball to a teammate who kicked it into an empty net. Like I said. Cheating.

In the second half, Octopi sat back and played a little too much of a dump-and-chase game, which resulted in the other team #winning a lot of the midfield play. There was really only one chance in the second half and it was for Totti Hots Purr, but League MVP David Willinsky splayed his body across the goal and robbed the THP sniper of what he – and his misplaced track-pants – thought was a sure goal.

Looking forward, Octopi hopes to continue gelling with a skilled team nucleus that has yet to play together this season. And when it does, look out Urban Rec. This is a team that has as much talent as it does chemistry as it does a dumb name with hilariously awesome pink uniforms.

Octopi Ends 2 Game Losing Streak… Decisively

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It was a cool day on Wednesday out at UBC’s Thunderbird Stadium. Octopi was taking on Multiple Sportosis in its third Urban Rec soccer game this season. The stakes were high. The past two games had been crushing defeats. The first game against top-ranked Nomads FC had been a devastating 6-2 loss.

“They broke our back early on in the first half,” said striker John Horn. “After that we just didn’t have a chance.”

The next game was equally grim. Out-manned (not to mentioned out-womaned), Octopi was again able to score early on only to get out run by Turf Stains. The ol’ “no sub cause we be mad skilled strategy” the team was forced to deploy due to a shortened roster meant by the second half, many of the team were lumbering about the field like dinosaurs. The end result, a 4-1 loss, was a bitter pill to swallow for the new expansion team.

Despite two tough games, Octopi came roaring out of the gate this Wednesday displaying a mix of hard strikes and rock solid defense that the team’s manager Kurt Heinrich says he’d always expected.

“From the get go, I always new there was something special about this team. The defense is almost impossible to breach, especially when we’ve got Walters and Hogkins anchoring the line,” says Heinrich. “This is the Octopi the fans were promised and with a little luck, this is the Octopi we’ll be seeing in the future.”

The game started with a series of terrific goals from Octopi strikers Erin Loxam and John Horn. Mid fielder Kristina Pikksalu made beautiful plays happen. Keeper David Willinsky ensured nothing slipped through and into the net.

After the team identified Multiple Scorosis’ primary danger (the tall blue shirted guy), they were quickly able to neutralize the opposing side’s offense.

The end result, a 5-0 shutout for Octopi, put the team on the scoreboard and was a signal to the rest of the league that the pink shirted crew would not be fodder for an easy victory.

The next game will be Wednesday, February 8 against Totti Hots Purr.

Gang Showers are Just the Beginning

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The Magic of the Locker Room

There isn’t such a community like it. Times of intense focus, sadness, joy, bliss, depression, fear, doubt… the same arena of arguments, fist-fights, chants, hugs, high-fives, and of course the crack-whip of a wet towel.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the locker room.

Of course, a rambling locker room narrative would provide a window into this world of cinder blocks and male nudity (I apologize, but I do not have much experience in the female locker room). But instead let’s elucidate and illuminate the locker room bonds with some descriptions of colourful cultural practices that are the community glue of this brotherhood.

! Disclaimer: This is not to endorse or condone, but merely to give perspective of this community – this strange and powerful community.

! Apology: To my locker room brothers for letting the outside world in. Email Johan Horn with complaints.

The cultural rituals that occur within a locker room include a wide spectrum of oddities, actions, quasi-rituals, and those things you just don’t know how to classify – those in-betweenies. And lets jump right in there, ladies and gentlemen…

Genitalia Trickanominous aka Penis Puppetry.

Yes kids, the Windsurfer, the Brain, the Helicopter, the Cobra… these are just a few of the locker room testes spectacles that many have been amazed and disgusted by. Like a car crash, it is difficult to look away from someone who genuinely believes their scrotum, and the shapes it can make, is art. If you are so lucky, and coach left an overhead projector in the locker room, you may be privileged to PMM – Penis Mass Media. Secondary sources have reported this is the most difficult form of Genitalia Trickanominous as it involves a great understanding of angles and balance. Penis Puppetry, interestingly enough, is a distant cousin to…

Sport Specific PDA’s.

I do not believe any other place has dished out more high-fives, ass-slaps, chest bumps, and various handshake combinations. You do well – high-five. You do bad – low-five. You do okay – butt-slap. Just standing around? Four knuckle-bumps, a Slap-the-Walrus, followed by a wiggle-three and a chest-to-balls. Physical Displays of Affection are everywhere. Of course during the times of extreme emotion there is always the ol’ stand by: the hug. You will often see the hug in combination with the following two…

Tears: Witness the definitive trope of masculinity and break it down completely. Weeping, sobbing, sniffling sorrow – the lowest of the lows.

Bliss: Out-of-body, transcendent mind numbing, Richter-scale joy. The highest of the highs.

Following tears and/or bliss is usually some sort of personal interaction. Whether that be with media, friends, or family it is best to provide explanation using…

Clichés. 110%. A win is a win. We’re proud that we left it all out there. One day at a time, one play at a time. Digging deep to do whatever you can, kind of community. Clichés are not only found in post-game Q and A, but also in…

Half-Time (The Inspiration): A quote, a feeling, a moment – a new lens on a bad situation. Experiencing one person’s actions or inactions, which completely change the course and determination of many. Incredible. Powerful. Memorable. However much like the ‘Force’, inspirational half-times have a powerful dark side…

Half-Time (The Snap Show): Throwing the chair, kicking the exercise bike, yelling and screaming, grab you by the throat, this is full on abuse, kind of community. Please use sparingly if at all.

Whichever Half-Time arises, it may be addressing…

Fear and Courage: The self-doubt knowing that you can’t do it, but the resolve to go down giving it your all. This is a magical, deeply powerful decision. It inspires an internal freedom to do your best. This same attitude helps with…

Dancing: Dance like no one is watching? How about dance with 15 other pairs of left feet after a win. You’d see moves that would keep you up at night. Except for those few who can dance. For those bastards there are…

Pranks: Two of my hilarious favourites include: The Garlic Pour. This involves a generous helping of garlic powder added into someone’s game shoes. By Half-Time the mixture of foot sweat, heat, and garlicky-goodness creates a smell so bad that the prankee is quarantined through the remaining game/practice. Managers, trainers, team mates, and coaches will take joy in repeatedly reminding the individual of the their state. Amazingly enough, the Garlic Pour is re-activated by heat. The prankee will not be rid of this smell until they buy new shoes.

The second favourite remains nameless (feel free to submit titles). While in the shower, engaging a rookie (chosen for their high level of ignorance) in a conversation while secretly urinating on their feet.  It is quite a sight to see one person looking another in the eyes, conversing in candor, while getting peed on. Quite a sight.

Yes, gang-showers are just the beginning. Putting numerous people in high-emotion and close-conduct breeds an interesting community. Take off their clothes and add competition, you cook up emotionally charged, scrotum antic, soup. I hope this insight into the Locker Room Community made you crave a ‘ladle’. If it didn’t, well we locker-roomers know “It wasn’t pretty, but we’ll take it”. Because when it’s all said and done “It was a total team effort in there”.

The Weird and Wonderful World of Drama

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Last night, I went to a play at Richmond’s Gateway Theatre called Oliver Handelschmidst’s Weird and Wonderful Circus. My 10 year old cousin-in-law was in the play, and did a wonderful job (go Quinn!). After a nerve-wracking ten minutes in which I did not know that his character was supposed to be stuttering, my husband John and I sat back and enjoyed watching 5-13 year olds dance, sing and act. I was genuinely entertained and impressed with the kids’ performance (arm-wrestling with jaguars? Lobster dances? Tired kid detectives on a kidnapping case taking a kid-nap? HST-jabs for the older folk in the audience? What’s not to love?), and it got me thinking about drama – why and how is it important to our society? What role does it play in building community?

Drama - a solid alternative for us non-sporty folk!

As a kid, I wasn’t very sporty – don’t get me wrong, I tried. I was put in baseball and gymnastics, played on the volleyball team in junior high … I just wasn’t very good. And I didn’t really like it. You know that kid who drew with a stick in the ground way out in left field? Yeah, that was me. My clumsiness automatically turned me off gymnastics (not being able to balance, let alone walk, on the balance beam is quite a frustrating experience). And full disclosure – I only played on the volleyball team because my best friend had signed me up and told me I would get in trouble if I didn’t play (and as a bit of a nerd, I definitely didn’t want to get in trouble). Which brings me to drama – more generally, the arts. Thank-goodness for arts programs in schools (pay attention, government officials who feel it’s a good idea to cut funding for school arts programs). I certainly found my niche – my community, if you will, in my writing, arts, and photography classes. It’s a great feeling to fit in, and to find something that you like doing and are actually good at.

Of course, drama and theatre also help to foster creativity and broaden imagination (one character was a pickle in the play, folks – a pickle), improve cognitive skills like memory and attention, and teaches life-long skills like public speaking ability and improvisation. It encourages perspective-taking, which we all know is a crucial skill all individuals, communities, and world-leaders should possess in order to empathize and see from others’ point of view (how do you think North Korea would be different if Kim Jong ll had the opportunity to take a drama class?). And as evidenced by the play last night, it can capture the best of what a multicultural country like Canada should be – kids of all different ethnic backgrounds came together to sing and dance the following message to the audience: Although the children in Oliver Handelschmidst’s famous circus come from around the world and dreamed of one day having a family, they come to realize that they are, in fact, each other’s family. As one character (it may have been the Pickle, or perhaps the horn-less unicorns, or my favorite character P-Paya) astutely observes (sings), you aren’t always born with a family, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find your family in the community you wind up in.

Congrats to the kids in the Gateway Academy for the Performing Arts program for an amazing show!

Fashion Hangover a la Vancouver 2010

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For better or for worse the Olympics have come and gone. For some of us their departure has left us with the sense of, “Hey, the party was just getting started!” for others, it’s a case of “Good riddance, no more frenzied crowds, no more line ups,  no more searchlight thingies and no more incessant  helicopter chatter overhead.” Still, lingering nostalgia remains,  and it’s not for the spectacle of Koreans kicking butt at  short track, Heineken at the Holland House  or Robson Square Zipliners. These were great things, but nothing compares to the void that has been left by the departure of thousands of athletes. And their outfits. Their really nifty, nifty outfits. For two weeks the world’s athletes accomplished both amazing sporting feats and  pushed athletic fashion to a whole new level. These Olympics can and should be remembered as a  pageant of funky spandex designs, nifty parkas and everything in between. So, while i’m not sorry to see our speed skaters’ saran-wrapped thighs go, there were plenty of designs which i’ll remember fondly.

Some of my personal faves.

I like to call this number (above) the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Intimidation Suit”. The Austrailians did everything right here. Their opponents were probably left wondering, “Are these guys really ‘turtles in a half shell’? And if so, ‘do they have turtle power too?!’Pretty neat stuff. All part of the Australian amazing game plan to compensate for their lack of snow at home.

Personally, I don’t find curling very interesting. Probably because I never watch it for long enough to get into a ‘match’ due to my inability to comprehend anything that’s happening. With so many know-nothings like me apt to reach for the channel changer, Team Norway clearly knew what they were up against and came out with these funky attention grabbing harlequin curling clown pants. Hurry Hard Norway, way to build your curling community.

I’m at a loss for words with this one. But “brilliant” is the first one that comes to mind. This body-hugging spectacle of luminous spandex could do nothing but dazzle spectators and judges alike. Sure, the Ukranians made themselves easy targets with this creation, but let’s face it, it was a ballsy, all-or-nothing move which made them stand out from the pack. They flew in the face of figure skating couture convention. And I applaud them for it.

Ah, the Russians. Off the ice they set the bar pretty high with their street couture, which was flamboyant, stylish and boldly told the world that “watch out we’ll be seeing you in Sochi!” You just couldn’t miss them in any crowd, particularly since they often moved in coordinated packs.  They also took Olympic Swag to a whole new level, with caps and fannie packs for added punch.

Lastly, there was us and our mittens. Something like 3.5  million of these things were bought before and during the Olympics. Well done HBC. Well done Vanoc. I have to say, these hand warmers were a master stroke of fashion and functionality, who wouldn’t want to keep their hand warm and wave the maple leaf at the same time?

Goodbye Olympics. You were fash-tastic and you will be remembered fondly.