Tag Archives: martin muli

Martin Muli – Our Man in Nairobi

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Who are you?

I am Martin Muli Makau Muli a young energetic 28 years old single man- I just realized that am growing old and therefore am contemplating changing my name to Mateen which is sounds and looks more youthful and appealing. I come  from a small village called matuu near the famous Ndallas hotel  but  I stay in Nairobi the city in the sun.  Nairobi is in Kenya and Kenya is in Africa!

What do you do for fun?

I ussually hang out with friends interested in discussing world issues including a critical analysis of local politics, entrepreneurship and social issues. Of late, i have found myself gravitating towards movies- the funny family kind of movies. I hate horrors though!  I am also into swimming a new hobby i picked up in Merville a small village in BC, Canada. I can now comfortably do back strokes!

What is your Favourite Community?

Politicians and entrepreneurs form my favourites communities.  They alway think outside the box and are always faced with new challenges each day. I am fascinated by their ability to build something from nothing and at the same time turn friends into enemies and enemies into friends.

What is your superpower?

Listening. Smiling. Analytical.

I listen like a homicide detective. This gives me a lot of stability and control over situations and therefore i am able to handle crisis and help people get over tough situations.  I share alot with entrepreneurs and politicians who face challenges everyday. I am able to analyze and disseminate all information with a simple smile.  Just imagine you tell me how tough and complicated things are and then i look at you, smile and start talking. Listening is for grasping the real scenario, Smile for disarming all negatives and Analytics is for putting you back  on course!

How do you use it to build community?

Two words: smile-analysis.

My Three Favourite Things About Martin Muli Are…

1. Dancing. Having a dance party? Be sure to invite Martin Muli. He’s a dance-machine who can dip and bend in ways that make un-rhythmic North American Germans like Kurt Heinrich shudder and stiffen. Martin Muli dances his soul.

2. Generosity. I’m lucky to know that when Michelle and visit Kenya we will be welcomed into the Muli family’s home with open arms. This may or may not be why I ensured that the Daily Gumboot finance the opening of a bureau in East Africa…

3. “Canadians are not passionate.” This comment came out during a discussion of Kenya’s near-collapse into anarchy. Martin Muli asked me what it would take for Canadians to show a Kenyan-kind – or any kind – of passion towards their politics. As much as it stung, I appreciated his candor, honesty and, well, that he’s pretty accurate in his assessment of our being a pretty wussie nation of non-boat-rockers.

As told by John Horn…

Fifa World Cup: Africa Makes History

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After 80 years of waiting, Africa’s history has been modified and strengthened by hosting FIFA world cup 2010. The vuvuzelas, the heavy traffic and city modernization efforts initiated and executed by South Africans to bring the 2010 soccer extravaganza to Africa is commendable. This is beautiful and big history for Africa! Africa will benefit from the 2010 world cup for years to come.

According to research posted on www.fifa.com, an accumulated audience of over 37 billion people watched the France ’98 tournament, including approximately 1.3 billion for the final alone, while over 2.7 million people flocked to watch the 64 matches in the French stadia. This gives an idea of how many people are watching the World Cup and how Africa can use this platform to change its negative image forever. For PR purposes we should have the following infomercials aired before the beginning of every match, at half time and at the end of every match:

Johannesburg is not the capital city of Africa, Africa is actually a continent with more than 52 countries! Africans don’t keep Lions as pets, Lions are dangerous wild animals only found in the parks!  ..and That Mandela is the President of South Africa and not Africa. All these infomercials  can help change the perception in the West about Africa. A good example is Melissa who toured Africa the other day and uploaded this on her facebook status “ ..Just learnt that Africa is not a country and that Egypt is found in Africa. This is all news to me as I thought Africa was a country  and Egypt was in the desert and that you would never get pyramids in Africa, just like you would get elephants in Egypt… apparently I am wrong.”

Pundits predicted that Africa could surprise many and lifting a FIFA World Cup Trophy. However, Africa has been surprised. South Africa has written history as the first host nation of a FIFA World Cup not to qualify for the second round! That means Bafana Bafanas’ dream of playing the eleventh World Cup special match ball named Jubulani made by the German sports equipment Adida at the finals will never come to pass. Jubulani is a isiZulu word which means “bringing joy to everyone”.

Ghana has made history as the only nation in Africa to qualify for the second round. Figures are crossed and many have sworn not to miss any match being played by the new “African heroes”. My friend who is a tech wizard in a busy organization and a football fanatic developed a solution named “ FIFA  World cup2010 boss management solution”. I have decided to share the same with you so that you can have freedom at your workplace and watch any world cup match without being terrorised by your boss. Remember this solution has worked in some organizations in Kenya and is only applicable until 12th July 2010. It reads:

Dear Sir / Madam,

I wish to let you know that the FIFA World Cup is about to begin. This is not just any other tournament, it’s the World Cup! Please note that this tournament takes place every four years and a month to finish, i.e. from 11th June to 11th July for this year. During this period take note of the following:

1. I will be knocking off earlier than usual in order to watch the kickoff of the first game.

2. Do not be surprised if I report a little bit late every morning, it will depend on the time the last game finishes.

3. Production will go up during this month as almost all employees will be happy and highly motivated (Check Maslow’s Motivation Theories with Human Resource).

4. I know you are into other boring sports like cricket, bowling, etc. Please, if you want to fit in the work environment for the next one  month, try to know something about soccer, even asking a foolish  question like “Is Malawi playing tonight?” that is if you really want to  fit in, or else you will be a loner for one full month.

5. Greeting each other in the morning will change from “Good morning” to “How was the game last night?”

6. I will not accept to work overtime during this period as no amount of money can buy me to miss a game. Therefore make sure you don’t give me any work after 16:30 hours.

7. I will need to be up-to-date with the latest; therefore, the first hour every morning is for accessing sports websites and other updates on the internet and also chatting with friends on phone.

8. Lastly, please do not think you can fire me should you decide to break any of the above rules, as you will have to fire everyone.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yours faithfully,

Staff

Cc:   Management

Cc:  Secretary General, Central organization of trade Unions

cc:   Human Right Commission

cc:   International Labor Organization

cc:   United Nations Council for Human Rights

cc:   FIFA

cc:  Moreno Ocampo, Prosecutor, International Criminal Court Prosecutor

The East African Douchebag

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The Daily Gumboot team is more than convinced that the population of douchebags is higher in East Africa than any other part of the world. Well, the inhabitants of East Africa exhibit a combination of sophistication and traditional behaviours except for a few wannabes who’s lifestyles is a true imitation of the glorified Hollywood stars. While the bigger percentage of East African are extremely jovial and interesting, Hospitable and indeed fascinating, a few are extremely irritating, disgusting and serial imitators. We cannot forget how Clint Eastwood the famous American Actor, composer and film star influenced Kenyan bad boys and rapper wannabbes with his 1983 Sudden Impact Movie.  In an effort to identify with Hollywood stars, Kenwood wannabes borrowed a line from Clint Eastwood and the controversial Makmende was born.

Makmende is a glorified mid – twenties trendy lad who dons afro hair style and belly bottom trousers that sweep the streets of Nairobi better than the city council brooms! Single men hate him because he is a guy who will unapologetically and fearlessly date your girlfriend, your friends’ fiancé and neighbour’s daughter at the same day, at the same time, just at different venues! Professors call him genius, while the villagers believe he is an outcast. They have accused him of impregnating a high school girl by just standing next to her!  It is claimed that when Makmende was in high school, the school Principal used to wash his shirts and brush his shoes! He was a ruthless bully to the administration and a hero to the helpless.

Just a band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mG1vIeETHc&NR=1 featured Makmende in their hit song Ha-He and within a few days, Makmende was the hottest item on Facebook and Twitter. CNN investigative journalists where extremely shocked by how controversial Makmende was. They recently released shocking revelations collected from Kenyans who tried to explain who Makmende is:

  1. Makmende can die and read his own eulogy.
  2. Makmende will never be allowed in McDonald\s…it’s a conflict of interest!
  3. Makmende once visited the British Virgin Islands. They are now known just as the British Islands….
  4. Makmende is so huge, he can’t fit in Wikipedia
  5. Obama insists Makmende is his young brother. He has ordered DNA test after Makmende disagreed.
  6. Only makmende can pocket when he is naked.
  7. Makmende can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
  8. Makmende is a disgusting douchbag; he uses Viagra as his eye drops just to look hard.
  9. When he was born he cut his own umbilical cord!!!!!
  10. Moulder and Scully tried to investigate Makmende, thats why the X Files were completely sealed.
  11. Makmende is the only one who can walk to hell and the devil says “OMG”
  12. When Makmende’ sister lost her virginity, he found it and gave it back to her!

Do you agree with the first part of number 8? Have I found a douchebag in Africa?

Thank you.

This has been a profile of the East African Douchebag by Martin Muli who is not yet a douchebag!

Horn and Burtnyk: Kenyans from the Kamba Community!

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kenya_ethnic_1974The endorsement of John Horn and Michelle wedding by the US president Barrack Obama – who has Kenyan roots – and the unwavering support the two have received from the Kenyan President got me thinking; What if the two were Kenyans from the Kamba community? Knowing how Africans adhere to unique traditions and customs, Michelle and John would have gone through a totally different process before being allowed to have their wedding in July 2010.

Flashback to the 1940s

We will assume that John and Michelle’s wedding was in July 1944 (My grandfather who is now 90 years old gave me a detailed account of how he got married to my grandmother in 1940s).

After realizing that his son has become a man, Mr. Horn starts shopping for a girl for his  son (young John Horn) by vetting different families in the neighbourhood. This is a fact finding mission which involves checking if the family has history of alcoholism, Curses, Asthma etc.  Depending on facts gathered, Mr. Horn will narrow down to two or three families then visit their homes to find out more about their daughters. Mr. Horn is then impressed by the chemistry between him and the  Burtynks and several visits to the family reveals that Michelle, one of the Burtnyk daughters, has been serving him every time he visits is hard working, respectful and humble. Without wasting time, he will book her for John by tying a thick thread around her wrist.  The thread signifies that Michelle has been booked (engaged) and therefore no one else can marry her at that time except the Elder Horn’s Son. Mr. Horn will then tell John that he has found a good wife for him. The Horns will organize a visit to the Burtynks and start negotiating a dowry price. At this point, John and Michelle are not allowed to question the decision since their parents know them better and will undoubtedly make the best decision for them.

Fast forward to 2009 history

John meets Michelle on campus at Simon Fraser University and they start dating and fall in love. John will then introduce Michelle to his parents as his potential wife. John’s father will then look for an elderly respectable man who will be sent to inform Michelle’s father that John is dating his daughter and they should agree to meet at a later date to introduce both families and negotiate a dowry price . Johns’ father will then request his brothers, friends and preferably a clan elder (Uncle Gary?) to accompany him to Michelle’s family to help in negotiating a dowry price. Michelle’s father will also mobilize his team to meet the Horns.

John and Michelle

John and Michelle - suspicious of each other and the Eurocentric traditions that will bind them in foreverness...

Team Burtnyk will propose how much they are willing to accept as dowry price for their daughter. Now this is the most interesting and tricky part since different families approach it differently. (Lets refer to a dowry negotiation i attended last year!)   The Burtnyks will praise Michelle as a well behaved, hardworking and lively woman who will make a good wife.  It will be agreed that since Michelle had no child prior to meeting John,  the entire Kamba marriage custom will be followed and therefore the standard dowry price will be paid. This includes 12 cows, 48 goats and several sacks of maize and beans and traditional brew called Kaluvu.

But before the negotiations are over, Michelle’s uncle will remind everyone that his “daughter” has been to University pursuing a masters degree, and has a well paying job. He will then ask for a token of compensation and will request that Ksh 0.6 million be included in the dowry price. Horns team will counter that until they agree.

After they have agreed, the Horn Team will produce three goats for theo ( the ultimate sacrifice that signifies

Meet the Horn and Burtnyk Tribes - when united they are called "The Bornks!"

Meet the Horn and Burtnyk Tribes - when united they are called "The Bornks!"

marriage) . John is required by Kamba traditions to slaughter one goat and that blood will then signify that Michelle has officially moved from the Burtynks and has become a member of the Horn family by all Kamba marriage traditions. John has a wife now and can go ahead and organize a wedding the Western way!

Martin Muli

From Akamba tribe!

From the Kenya Bureau: “Island Snatchers!”

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It is my pleasure to introduce Martin Muli, The Weekly Gumboot’s Kenya Correspondent. That’s right, folks. The Weekly Gumboot has a correspondent. In Kenya. From Kenya. “Our man in Nairobi,” as we call him. Because, dear readers, this community-based twitblog of ours embraces ideas from everywhere. Even Kenya. Nay. Especially Kenya. I first met Mr. Muli in the halls of Simon Fraser University and, through a series of adventures that have taken us from the raging rivers of Merville, BC to the “night clubs” of Victoria, we’ve become dear friends. This modest publication is lucky to have him. What comes below is his story. Well, one of them. As with anyone who supports gumboot clad pirate communities in nature, he’s got a few…<!–[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <![endif]–><!–[if gte mso 9]> <![endif]–> <!–[if gte mso 10]> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:”Table Normal”; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:”"; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} <![endif]–>

- JCH

 

“Mr President, Migingo is gone,” The Kenyan Foreign Affairs Minister is purported to have told the president. Migingo is a tiny rocky island inhabited by fishing communities whose population totals less than 1,000 people. Migingo, drawing inhabitants from across East Africa, is located 5.4 nautical miles (10km) off Kenya’s Sori -Bay in Karungu division, Migori district. Kenyans have taken their close proximity to the island as an implication of ownership. On the other hand, Ugandan authorities say the island falls within the boundaries of its eastern district of Bugiri. Indeed the Google earth map clearly indicates Migingo islands are located within Uganda boundaries. The Google earth coordinates for the island are 2°48’06.82”S and 32°38’45.25”E. Google earth offers maps and satellite images of pinpointed or complex regions (Editor’s note: due to The Gumboot’s tight budget, we only have the these two pictures).

Migingo was not known to East Africans until a few months ago when Kenyan fishermen living in the island started complaining about harassment from their Ugandan counterparts. Harassment was emanating from fellow fishermen and local authorities who demanded Kenyans to pay taxes for fishing in or near Ugandan waters.

This simple disagreement has attracted ministers, presidents and international organizations to resolve the dispute. Immediately after Kenyan fishermen complained of harassment, Kenyan Foreign Affairs Minister put together a delegation of ministers to meet their counterparts from Uganda. They agreed that the Ugandan flag erected on the Island should be pulled down and all military personnel from Uganda to be withdrawn from the Island. That did not happen.

The Kenyan police commissioner flew to Uganda to further discuss the unfolding Migingo saga, but the meeting didn’t reall go anywhere. Uganda actually increased the number of military police in the island! To keep Kenyans hopeful of peaceful resolutions, it was declared that President Mwai Kibaki of Kenya and President Kaguta Yoweri Museveni of Uganda would meet to discuss the Island saga during the COMESA meeting in Lusaka. The meeting took place, but none of the heads of state gave clear direction about the ownership of the Island.

People from both countries have made wild allegations about the Island. Some claim that Oil has been discovered around the island and some Arabic countries have initiated separate negotiations with both countries to start exploiting the resource – or at least exploring the area to see if the rumours are viable. Others claim that it is payback by Kenyan President to his Ugandan counterpart after the supposed millitary support he offered him during the disputed 2007 elections. It is also claimed that it is a plot by one faction of Kenya’s coalition government to make Kenyans realize how indecisive the current president truly is.

It is important to note that Idi Amin, the former Ugandan dictator who ruled during the 1970s, attempted to snatch several Islands and regions from Kenya but was stopped by the decisive and authoritive president who ruled Kenya at that time by daring him to make a move. The current Ugandan president has been accused of harbouring ‘expansionist ambitions’ and it is alleged that he is ready to snatch the Island rich in Nile perch fish.

Kenyans became impatient with the leadership and decided to claim the Island in support of their fellow countrymen living there. Habitants of Kibera the biggest slum in Africa uprooted a railway line that transports valuables to Uganda. Those living next to the border stopped all cargo lorries from transporting anything from Kenya to Uganda and vice versa. This grassroots, people driven action has lead to a peaceful agreement after both sides decided to spend two months carrying out a survey that will establish the real ownersship of the island. They will also use colonial maps from the UK.

The Ugandan flag has then pulled down and both sides have agreed on a joint security force to provide security in the Island until a permanent solution is found.

I am mostly interested in how the story has unfolded from mere fishermen fighting for their livelihood to the point that politicians, police commissioners, government spokespersons, and presidents have been attracted to this curious situation. I foresee organization of African Union and international criminal court joining in the fray to arbitrate if the survey does not offer a lasting solution. Or else it will be … military against military … over Migingo Island!

Martin Muli (our man in Nairobi)

From the Kenyan Bureau – “The Seven Day Sex Boycott”

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It is my pleasure to introduce Martin Muli, The Weekly Gumboot’s Kenyan Correspondent. That’s right, folks. The Weekly Gumboot has a correspondent. From Kenya. “Our man in Nairobi,” as we call him. Because, dear readers, this community-based twitblog of ours embraces ideas from everywhere. Even Kenya. Nay. Especially Kenya. I first met Mr. Muli in the halls of Simon Fraser University and, through a series of adventures that have taken us from the raging rivers of Merville, BC to the “night clubs” of Victoria, we’ve become dear friends. This modest publication is lucky to have him. What comes below is his story. Well, one of them. As with anyone who supports gumboot clad pirate communities in nature, he’s got a few…

- JCH

Kenyan men were trouble and starved for seven good days. Some called it “The great sex fast” while others believed it was deprivation of conjugal rights. Others branded it “the bedroom coup”.

A group of not so popular Kenyan women calling themselves the G10 urged all Kenyan women to join in a sex boycott to force Kenyan political leaders to agree to better ways of running the coalition government. This desperate yet courageous political tool was unleashed after the two squabbling sides of the Kenyan coalition government degenerated and threatened to collapse the coalition.

What started as a big joke soon evolved into an interesting debate with some supporting the ‘sex fast’ while others threatening to curse the G10. One renowned Kenyan political commentator, Mutahi Nguyi, believes that national ‘sex activities’ went up during the boycott. He concluded that the G10 coalition of women used reverse psychology on Kenyans. This is, according to Nguyi, because studies show that men think about sex 12 times per hour and that sexual preoccupation wanes if he is idle, but it explodes if he is challenged sexually. (Editor’s note: fantastic use of “findings,” Martin, but we need to roll out some North American data; you see, men here think about sex nearly 4,899,566 times per minute…but a lot of that has to do with Janet Jackson and the Superbowl…it’s a long story). Capitalizing on this male weakness, the G10 women simply outwitted everyone.

However, many Kenyans were against the move G10 terming them “bedroom intruders’. Lengthy discussions were overhead on almost all radio stations with people voicing their reaction to the perceived anti-men movement. Men movements (Maendeleo ya wanaume) was completely against the G10, accusing women of using their feminine strength to abuse men’s rights. However, it was booming business for harlots along the famous Koinange street since they served as refuge for the starving men.

I was privileged to meet Tabitha Njoroge, one of the G10 member. The focused, single young lady is the executive Director of WILDAF Kenya ( Women in Law development in Africa). She was fresh from a progress evaluation meeting and she frankly revealed that the G10 mission was achieved! The focus was not to starve men as many thought. The G10 had found a great tool to make everyone talk about thorny issues threatening to tear the country apart. Young and old, women and men, men of collar, radio stations, newspapers and social networking tools were all engaged in the debate. That forced the two principals leading both sides of the coalition government to a meeting that has cooled down the political temperatures in Kenya.

The organizers of the sex boycott have announced a 90-day follow up campaign to monitor the progress of Kenya’s leaders in implementing reforms, including a revision of the constitution and improvements to the judicial system.

‘Stupid’ and ‘crazy’ ideas are great tools necessary for change.

- Martin Muli