How to Shelter Everyone – Lessons from First United Church

Does everyone deserve a place to sleep? Photo courtesy of quinet

Nothing spoils Christmas like thought of dozens of people sleeping outside in cold, wet Vancouver weather. It’s been an ongoing struggle for years and isn’t likely to change anytime soon.

In 2008, shortly after the municipal election and right before the city was blanketed in dumps of snow, the city, province and non-profit housing leaders were able to open HEAT (Homeless Emergency Action Team) shelters to put the option of a roof over the head of some of the city’s most vulnerable individuals.

For the past three years, ground-zero for the emergency housing effort has been First United Church. Each winter night, Rev Ric Matthews, Sandra Severs and their church staff find beds (or pews) for hundreds of hard to house, hardcore, street homeless people. The shelter was hard to miss. A block east of Main off Hastings St, it is constantly surrounded by a gaggle of street people and their shopping carts full of belongings.

Mathews, Severs and their team were committed to housing anyone and everyone who needed help. No-one would be turned away, regardless of who they were, what they’d done in the past, where they were supposed to be living or how many people were trying to get in on a given night. You’d think such a commitment of open-armed acceptance would be welcomed by civic and provincial leaders looking to combat street homelessness. And it was, at least for the first few years.

But then complaints started to roll in. There were reports of sexual assaults by some shelter residents against others. It was evident that many of the government’s “best practices” weren’t being followed at First United. Then the city’s fire department got involved when it came to light that the fire code was being violated by the number of people sleeping in the shelter in a number of nights. The church leadership’s refusal to turn anyone out into the cold didn’t square with their insurance and liability contracts. The issue came to a head First United was forced to to turn away 27 people in one night due to fire safety bylaws. Matthews, Severs and another operational manager promptly resigned and a media uproar flared as the issue of shelter best practices vs. exclusion of the needy came to the forefront. Matthews summed it up aptly in a recent interview with the CBC:

We need a separate way of trying to deal with folk who fall through the cracks… The problem is that while that’s totally appropriate and necessary, there are folk who get excluded by that process. By the very definition of the word, there are folk who are seen to be a threat to others and who can’t be inside of that facility.

Now Matthews and his top lieutenants have resigned, BC Housing’s funding for the shelter has come to an end and First United will no longer be offering 200 shelter spaces to some of the city’s most marginalized citizens. Two new housing shelters have been announced by the province to replace First United’s stock of beds, but these will likely not be able to operate with the same “open-arms” approach of First United. Whether there will still be as many places for aggressive, criminal, alcoholic, or heavily drug addicted homeless folks remains to be seen.

One thing is certain, the demand for housing (especially as it gets colder) from this particular hard-to-house demographic is not likely to evaporate any time soon. The loss of an organization committed to housing and servicing this population could be a significant blow to the efforts of Vancouver and Victoria to deal with the Metro Vancouver homelessness crisis.

While it’s understandable that leaders in both the United Church, city and province would be uneasy with First United’s “no one will be turned away”, I wonder what will happen when dozens of these 200 street homeless people hit the streets, not beds, in the coming cold winter nights.

Photo courtesy of jmv

Whitecaps FC connects with Street Soccer Community

Photo courtesy of Metro News.

Yesterday afternoon Whitecaps FC players Jeb Brovsky, Shea Salinas, Bilal Duckett and Jonathan Leathers joined dozens of street soccer players at Oppenheimer park for a pick up game and meet and greet. It was an amazing afternoon for many players who’ve faced homelessness and addiction challenges in their lives.

It’s  always awesome when two wicked communities come together and it’s hard to imagine a better fit than these two organizations. Both are committed and passionate about the power of soccer. Organizers of both teams seem optimistic that Wednesday’s practice will lay the groundwork of a developing relationship between Vancouver’s premiere soccer club and the Vancouver Street Soccer League – an organization designed to use the power of sport to empower and engage some of the city’s most marginalized citizens.

For many of the players of both Portland FC and Phoenix, the scrimmage with the caps was a once in a life time chance to pass to and score against MLS players.

Next week a five mens team players and eight women will be leaving BC to compete on behalf of Canada at the international competition. The scrimmage was a good preview for some of the high level play Team Canada can expected at the upcomingHomeless World Cup in Paris, France.

Last year Team Canada took home the Fair Play Award for their sportsmanship at the tournament hosted in Rio. This year Canada is sending both a mens and Women’s team. Organizers are hopeful the Paris trip will be just as positive and transformational for the teams’ players as the Rio trip was. Many of the team members who’ve returned have stayed hooked on soccer, off drugs and been successful in finding housing.

24 Hour Soccer highlights AMAZING DTES shelter

Whitecaps footballer, Portland FC and Portland Phoenix coaches!

Today’s a great day for some soccer. Sure it is a bit wet and cold in Vancouver. But that’s how we roll on the Westcoast. So if you’re downtown, think about stopping by the Art Gallery lawn and support the 24 Hour Soccer Marathon.

The kick off was at 7:45 AM this morning and  throughout the day there will be some great  music, food, entertainment and soccer (cue jazz hands!). The whole marathon is aimed at raising awareness around the New Fountain Shelter, an amazing homeless shelter that’s been in operation since early 2009.

Opened at Christmas in 2008, the New Fountain Shelter, funded for only 27 beds, regularly sleeps close to 40 people night after night. In addition to providing a temporary shelter for Vancouver’s homeless the New Fountain has connected over 300 people to safe, permanent housing and works hard to connect people to the medical and social services they need. BC Housing has announced that funding will not be continued beyond April 30th, after which time the Shelter would be forced to close, putting people back on the streets.

To help draw attention to the shelter and all the great work it does, Portland FC and Portland Phoenix (both of which have many players drawn from the New Fountain) will be playing for 24 hours straight to highlight the shelter and its great work. Pop by on your lunch break, coffee break, after work or at 2 PM on the way home from the bar. We’ll still be playing soccer! Check out some great initial photos from the event. Special shout out to some VIPs that took time to come out and show support to the shelter. Note the really,tall guy is David Eby, who is making a run at an MLA seat in Vancouver West Pt. Grey against new BC Premier Christy Clark. In goal is Vision Vancouver Councillor Andrea Reimer and on the field playing is Vision Vancouver Park Commissioner Sarah Blyth. Great work everyone!


New Legislation Tackles Affordable Housing

 We’re all aware of the housing situation in Vancouver – namely, there’s not enough of it, and of the housing that does exist it’s just not all that affordable. image = affordable housingDecades of research have shown the link that exists between access to affordable and adequate housing and health: Most obviously: if you are not able to afford housing or there is no housing available within your price range, you may wind up homeless or in a shelter, jeopardizing your physical, mental and social wellbeing. According to The Greater Vancouver Regional Steering Committee on Homelessness, the number of homeless people in the City of Vancouver increased by 6% between 2005 and 2008, and by a very disconcerting 35% in the other municipalities of Metro Vancouver. Over roughly the same period, housing prices were on the rise and housing availability was on the decline.

 The World Health Organization has done a great job detailing the negative health effects of living in inadequate housing. Their holistic and interdisciplinary approach defines a ‘healthy house’ as one that is safe, comfortable and hygienic. It is all too common, however, for the conditions to be inadequate: mould growth, indoor air pollution, infestations, and inehousingisarightfficient heating systems/insulation to name a few.

One of the most well-known housing-related health risks is lead paint, which was common in houses built before 1950. Lead paint exposure has been found to be particularly dangerous to children under 3 years of age, as well as pregnant women and their fetuses. A very strong link has been found between lead exposure early in life and impaired mental development (especially learning disabilities) later in life. Data from the 1997 US National Health and Nutrition Surveys showed that 4.4% of children living in the United States had elevated blood lead levels – not surprisingly, poor children living in older housing were at highest risk of exposure. A study of Vancouver children in 1989 found that 8% had elevated levels (for more on lead paint exposure, check out this Canadian Medical Association article).

Recently, an Act to ensure secure, adequate, accessible and affordable housing for Canadians just passed second reading in the House of Commons, and is going to committee for review and possible amendment. Bill C-304, spearheaded by Vancouver East MP Libby Davies, is a critically important piece of legislation. It calls for the establishment of a National Housing Strategy designed to ensure that everyone residing in Canada has “secure, adequate, accessible and affordable housing as part of a standard of living that will provide healthy physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual and social development and a good quality of life”. It seems this legislation recognizes the critical link between housing and health, and I wish it well as it navigates the (often treacherous) committee review waters.

Homeless Soccer Kicks Ass

This year I’ve gotten involved with Homeless Soccer program called Dreamcatchers.

The soccer’s a blast. Players from our team are drawn from the New Fountain Shelter. Each Sunday at around 9:30 AM, a bus pulls out from the shelter (one of five emergency shelters set up by Gregor’s HEAT team) and heads to Britannia.

On the bus are a few outreach workers and a variety of enthusiastic (and sometimes if it was a big Saturday night – not so energetic players). Ages range and so do skill levels. Some players can pass, dribble and shoot without any effort. Others have trouble standing up. I’m in the middle.

Throughout the morning, we usually drill. Our coach, a deputy fire cheif who may or may not be named Steve (I just refer to him as coach, which helps me avoid looking like an idiot for not remembering his name after meeting him half a dozen times) takes us through drills. We do all the drills any soccer team does – square passes, kicking the ball against the wall to get a perfect touch, and of course, the ol’ scimmage.

Last weekend we played a game against another homeless soccer team from the North Shore who came equipped with a full kit. Our team sported fancy Rob and Big black t-shirts. Rob and Big are two gangster-looking guys. They sport baggy jeans and baseball caps. No one on the team knows who they are or why they’re on our shirts – but then that’s part of the fun of it all.

Atired in our Rob and Big shirts, the team assembled. We had a great crew and it was a beautiful day to be playing. Coach had set up a rough court in Woodlands Park off the drive and we started passing the ball around to get warmed up. When the whistle went, our team launched into action.

At half time, I was near dead. Slowly the team was starting to colease togeather. We were passing faster and fewer whistles were getting blown on yours truly. Everyone was working up a healthy sweat in the afternoon sun. After husling off the field we indulged in fresh oranges and a case of warm bottled water. Hello plastic intake.

Despite an earnest effort, we scored but one goal that game. A teammate from OnSite took a swift shot and put it under the fancily garbed opposing keeper’s arms. It was a great victory. I won’t tell you how many goals the other guys scored, but I will tell you that they were sponsored by the Whitecaps and we were sponsored by Rob and Big. I’m not saying that made a difference, but…

Next week the team will assemble again for practice. Slowly but surely we’re becoming a small but tight crew. One of the ways I know is that when Earl (a player who happens to be an amazing aboriginal wood carver) or Don (super groovy hip sporty fellow) happen to not come that week, we all notice. We’re from different places and certainly very different experiences, but the soccer, like it can be all over the world, is a binding force a la super glue.

Shelters form the Backbone of Marginalized Community

One of the most inspiring things I’ve witnessed recently has been the generosity and general sense of hope implicit in the New Fountain Shelter. Here is a community built on compassion, which helps in a very real way some of our poorest citizens.

The New Fountain, along with four other shelters has been baring the brunt of the homelessness crisis and were opened roughly half a year ago as an emergency shelter. Since then they’ve assisted dozens of people to find permanent housing, pick up career skills, and provided a safe and respectful place for young and old to stay.
Safe and respect are key words here. No violence or violent individuals are tolerated and mounted in the staff room is a small list of names of violent offenders who have been permanently barred from the shelter.
“They’re predators,” said one of the staff members. “They come here to sell drugs and prey on our clients. When they do so, we ask them politely to leave.”

A few hours in one of the shelters is illustrative.
The clients vary in age and appearance. Some have recently been released from jail. Others sport large gashes and open soars. Most seem very happy to have a bed to sleep on where they need not worry getting robbed while they sleep. Almost everyone is incredibly polite to service staff who hand out syringes, medical supplies, toiletries, donated clothing, and cookies generously.
The New Fountain is also equipped with a soup kitchen where residents can come for a quick meal. In the corner there’s a small TV with a small group of folks camped out around it sweating in the heat. The shelter smells of vegetable soup. Everything is clean and tidy.
Other people are in their rooms – small 10 X 10 foot rooms with a canvas sheet serving as a door. We’re note talking about the Hilton here. There are two beds in each room and around 15 – 20 rooms in the shelter. Since the shelter is intended to be as low barrier as possible, pets sometimes stay with clients in their rooms.
“Sometimes a dog, cat, mouse or other animal is the only friend the person has,” said one outreach worker. “If we don’t let them bring in their pet, they won’t come in themselves. We try to keep the barriers as low as possible so we can help as many people as possible.”
Many of the residents living in the shelter these days are worried. New Fountain and the four other shelters like it opened as part of the city’s HEAT (Homeless Emergency Action Team) initiative have funding for now – but that funding could well dry up at the end of June. If it does, many of the folks who now have a home (for many this is the first home they’ve had in years) could find themselves alone and back on the street.
The diaspora that would follow would be tragic. One of the most commendable and advantageous things about the New Fountain and other shelters like it is that they provide a hub of community. Not only do they rejuvenate people who have suffered years on the street but they provide dozens of clients with services from helping them find employment to locking down more permanent housing. Here truly is a place where everyone knows your name.
The emergency shelters are critical because they are the first rung in the ladder of recovery. Without this rung, many people will find it almost impossible to climb out of homelessness – despite an earnest wish to do so. Let’s hope the BC Liberal government agrees.

Our NIMBY Dilemma

We live on Commercial Drive. Behind our apartment is an alleyway frequented by dozens of bottle scavengers as well as a growing colony of homeless people and drifters. The colony is lodged under an overhang parking area.

During the winter time, my partner sometimes dropped off hot soup or food for the residents living there. There were only one or two people living there at the time, which made sense considering the cold (read: rainy) and inhospitable Vancouver winters. Now as spring turns to summer, the population of the overhang has grown.

Initially, we didn’t have any problem with this. Our homeless neighbours weren’t bothering anyone. The minimal increase in garbage around the alley was a pain in the ass, but that was really the only issue.

Then as new folks joined the older residents, things began to change. More scavenging around the area made us feel a bit more self conscious about the possibility of crime in the area. And then there was the noise.

At first it was just a shout here and there. But often it seemed to be party time at the colony with all manner of yelling at 11 PM 12 AM, 4 AM etc. In the afternoons we watched as a white Mercedes cruised around passing out vials to our neighbours. We weren’t quite sure why, but this was frustrating.

While we can handle the dealing; the noise is a problem. Neither of us enjoy being woken constantly through the night to loud hooting or screaming arguments.

Ultimately, we’ll soon see just how effectively community can transcend income and status. The next time there is a loud flare up (and we aren’t too groggy / lazy to get up), we’re planning on wandering over to talk to our neighbours. We’ll kindly ask if they mind keeping the noise down. We’re hopeful that the fact that while drugs and booze may be an issue, the dictum of sharing common community space will prevail. If it doesn’t (or if the drugs cloud out neighbourly decency), we’ll most certainly find ourselves in a very difficult NIMBY dilemma.

It’s a dilemma we don’t want to find ourselves in, because the alternative of calling the cops is not appealing at all.

A Story of the Working Poor


Shhhh! This is a dirty secret that nobody likes talking about. Well, it’s not really a secret, because there is information about the issue everywhere. More accurately, we are – as we should be – embarrassed by the glaring fact that, in our great nation of Canada, 1 in 10 people (nearly 3.5 million of us) live in poverty.These findings come from a report recently released by the Salvation Army, and the document also outlined the unfortunate statistic that 35% of homeless men in British Columbia are employed. Infuriated by such a grim forecast for our Olympic Nation? Not sold on the data? Well, you can email the Salvation Army’s Territorial Public Relations Director, Andrew Burditt, at andrew_burditt(at)can.salvationarmy.org if you have any questions, comments or concerns.

Moving on…

Wow. 3.5 million. People. Canada. Employed homeless people? No wonder people from the developing world are so staggeringly disappointed by our Canadian communities when they visit. According to the Human Development Index, Canada is tied for fourth (with Luxembourg and Sweden – take that, Switzerland!) as the overall most desirable country in which to live. The World Bank, International Monetary Fund and the United Nations think we’re doing a pretty good job of, well, being a society. Here’s a pretty key problem with our society, though: according to a 2007 Statistics Canada report, “the income gap between rich and poor has widened over the past ten years and income inequality is greater in Canada than it is in most other developed countries.” No kidding. When a quarter of Canada’s homeless receive income from paid employment and an astounding 57% receive income from other sources like welfare (37%), disability (16%) or a pension (4%), I wonder how bad things have gotten in places around the world, such as Switzerland, the UK and the United States, where the income gap is even worse. What will it take for us to create a just and inclusive society – in Vancouver, Canada and beyond? Or do we even really want one?

Here’s a breakdown of how some resident experts think things are going:

The Big, Fat, Stinkin’, Global Picture: I dunno, Bill Maher doesn’t usually steer me wrong, and he has some pretty important things to say about our global, American-influenced addiction to greed.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA6HzNUPklE&hl=en&fs=1]
It turns out greed is not good. Too many people in Britain today are “professional, single and poor.” In fact, a recent story by the up-and-coming news agency BBC suggested that the number of people living in poverty – the working poor – has increased by 300,000 since 1996. Someone who retires in Britain today is more likely than their parents to live out their days in poverty. With stats like these, should we really be “internationally developing” and offering advice to the developing world?

The Canadian Picture: Look, Canada. Recent findings show that 89% of wealthy Canadians do not want hungry peasant mobs with pitchforks overwhelming their gated communities (the other 11% love a good fight, apparently). Chuckle if you like, but also be mindful of history. In my third year at Bishop’s University, I wrote a paper called Whoa Buddy, where you goin’ with that pitchfork? (Peasant Rebellions in Seventeenth Century France), and, while we’re not quite at a pitchfork stage yet, some of the data and stories from my paper are unfortunately similar to some of the situations today – 42% of homeless men in the prairies are employed; many of them have pitchforks, I reckon. And if you think that putting an idea of poverty into context using seventeenth-century examples is ridiculous, well, I have some Somali pirates that I’d love to introduce you to…

“The homeless population is disturbingly large and even more disturbing growing in size, in scope and in its connection to mental illness,” said The Honourable Michael Kirby, Chair of the Mental Health Commission of Canada. “Recent research shows 1 in 7 users of emergency shelters across Canada are children and almost a third of Canada’s homeless are youths aged 16-24. Street counts of homeless people indicate their numbers have increased at an alarming rate.” And keep in mind, statistics show that nearly a quarter of these people have jobs.

The BC Picture: A recent study by Simon Fraser University’s Centre for Applied Research in Mental Health and Addiction (CARMA) estimated that in British Columbia, the current financial cost to taxpayers for services to homeless people with severe addictions and/or mental illness is $55,000 a year per person. In contrast, providing these people with adequate housing and supports costs $37,000 a year per person. This saves taxpayers $211 million dollars a year in direct costs. A British Columbia shelter user put it in personal perspective: “In my case, I get enough money each month to live. I get over twelve hundred dollars a month – Old Age Pension, Canada Pension and supplement, so that should be enough for me to live on, but I’m having a terrible time trying to find affordable housing.” Whether it’s the Salvation Army report or a statement from the Ministry of Community or the Centre for Applied Research in Mental Health and Addiction, the consensus opinion on how to tackle homelessness is with affordable housing.

The Vancouver Pre-Olympic Showcase Picture:
Recent findings show that homelessness in Vancouver has grown by about 250% since 1994. According to a 2008 “homeless count” by an SFU-led group of students, faculty and volunteers, there are nearly 15,500 homeless people in the Lower Mainland. If I were a businessperson in Vancouver, I’d demand affordable housing – and lots of it. Here’s why: I strongly doubt that my employees who might pay between $650-$1,100 per month in rent are going to work for $8 an hour. I also don’t think that employees who live in shelters or on the street are going to be incredibly motivated or engaged in my business. After all, it’s in our business community’s best interest to have affordable housing.

The 2010 Olympics are going to be the greatest advertisement for the city of Vancouver in the history of, well, the city of Vancouver. We even have a sexy, charming and downright nice Mayor! First, I hope this month-long ad is not a Harper-style attack ad. Second, when the world sees how beautiful it is here, I hope we have a strong enough commitment to social justice and not sell our city to the highest bidders from around the world who arrive, take-in the Olympics, drink the water, and commit to staying here no matter what the price. Vancity, we’re less than a year away from a watershed moment – a tipping point – in our community’s history. Let’s not screw it up by being greedy…

So what are the next steps?
Well, I’m no expert like the high-paid staff at The Tyee, but it might be a good idea to explore some o
f the following five ideas:

  1. Get students and young people involved through SERVICE LEARNING initiatives early and often. By linking academic learning outcomes to personal and professional development within the context of community service, well, our young people will grow of leaders with a more comprehensive understanding of the social problems that, clearly, continue to cripple our supposedly sparkling communities.
  2. Talk about the problem.We need CITIZEN JOURNALISTS who have no loyalty to corporate sponsors to hit the streets with pens, paper, cameras, and good intentions (not to mention a sprinkle of idealism) to tell the stories of Canada’s homeless in a way that will engage our entire community and motivate us to collaborate on all levels and solve the problem together. Or be vocal in a different way and wear a white Make Poverty History bracelet, just like in the picture!
  3. Put hippies, land developers and oil barons at the same table. Like I said, we need to solve the problem TOGETHER. Growing up in Merville, British Columbia has given me a soft spot for hippies, mostly because I’ve got some in me. But I kinda sorta don’t really like them most of the time (editor’s note: mostly, they are frustrating, as the staff at The Weekly Gumboot makes it a point to be positive and see the good in all people, places and things; even cannibals in Winnipeg watching American Idol). Ironically, hippies rarely compromise – with each other or with those they deem worthy of “enemy” status. They also aren’t very well organized. Oil barons are very well organized. For the most part, so are developers. We all have a common interest for prosperity and the betterment of our community. They’re just subjective perceptions of a different sort. Working against each other in silos isn’t going to solve anything, though. We need ideas from everywhere to build community. Now pass the bong, man…
  4. VOLUNTEER. Barack Obama recently passed the Serve America Act. Rwanda has compulsory community service one Saturday per month. A recent pole in 24 Hours found that 65% of Lower Mainlanders do not want to volunteer. People. We can do better. And, as it turns out, we kinda have to if we want to be a global role model.
  5. Make SOUND CONSUMER CHOICES. From global to local, purchasing products that are made by people who make a decent, livable wage is still the greatest way for us to make a collective and powerful impact on how things are done in our local, regional, national, and global communities. Have you seen how amazing the architecture, food and service at the Convention Centre? It reveals our potential…

A final thought. The Human Development Index has three symbols that put a ranked country’s position in context: a green, upward triangle means it improved from the previous survey, a blue line means it stayed the same, and a red, downward triangle means it got worse. In the rankings, there are a lot of green triangles, indicating that, on the whole, things on are planet are getting better. No matter what the panic mongering media tells us.

Things are getting better, sure. And yet we still have 3.5 million people living in poverty in, according to the Human Development Index, one of the best country’s on the planet. Things could be a lot better a lot faster if we all get a little more involved. So there it is. The next move is yours, community

- JCH

Woodwards to Transform the DTES


Next year, a community may be remade before our eyes.

It’s all connected to the Woodwards Project, a new high rise multi-use complex soaring above the derelict buildings of Canada’s poorest neighbourhood.

It has been over 6 years in the making and has seen squats by housing advocates who worried about the gentrification of the poor community.
The message was heard loud and clear at city hall and by the developers and architects involved in the building project. Inclusion, not exclusion.

Unlike the soaring towers of glass characteristic of yuppie Yaletown, Woodwards is going to be different. Of the development’s 536 suites, about 40% will go to non-market housing. The mix of tenants will range from the urban chic who dine nightly at bistros like nearby Wild Rice, to less advantaged folks, some of whom have just made their way off addiction and the streets.

I spoke with one future resident shortly after he received notice that there would be a space for him. He currently lives at one of the emergency shelters set up by Vision Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson. He’s a smart and articulate guy with a university eduction and spattering of mental illness that eventually led to substance abuse issues that he’s now recovering from. His favorite place to hang out – the library, where he can access the net and read to his hearts content. His luck in landing a spot at Woodwards was not lost on him.

In addition to housing, Woodward will also house Simon Fraser University’s new Centre for the Contemporary Arts (a perfect venue for the “struggling artists”), office and rental space for non-profits, as well as retail grocery and drug stores. There’s even word that negotiations are going on between the development’s large retail tenants and local non-profit Bladerunners, which finds work for street youth and recovering addicts on construction sites and now, it would seem, local businesses.

This new project isn’t going to solve homelessness in the city. But it’s certainly the right model. The idea of integrating the most vulnerable into our communities rather than ghettozing them is the right way forward. I’m excited and proud to watch the transformation of the neighbourhood before my eyes.