Category Archives: Kindness

Make Me Feel Important

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A good friend recently had her second child and instead of a baby shower, she had a small gathering where guests shared stories and our wishes for her journey through birth and into becoming a mother of two children.  It was refreshing to be a part of an intentional conversation that created space to tell a loved one how I feel about her.  People were shy at first but the group warmed up quickly and it felt great.

I was at a corporate event last night and 10 speakers took to the stage to share parts of their personal lives with their colleagues.  It was so cool.  Everyone spoke on different topics but the common thread was that they all spoke about what they really cared about.  Again, it was so refreshing to be a part of a conversation that was positive and personal.

I met a brilliant CEO last week who talked about how it’s easy to find people to work for her because she looks for people who lead with their hearts.  How awesome is that?  And how refreshing to learn that a business executive makes hiring decisions that way.

Thinking about these three moments, I realized that they were refreshing because they’re rare.  In our device-equipped society, we spend so much time computing, commuting, and snoozing that there’s not a lot of time left for real connections.  Don’t get me wrong, I love blogs and read a bunch regularly.  And lots of them are very personal.  But unless you know the person writing, it’s just not the same damn thing as talking face-to-face.  And I mean really talking.  Having lean-in moments that you find yourself thinking about for days afterward.   And maybe telling other friends about too.

So why is it rare?  Well, for one thing you need to be present to have those magical moments.  And it’s kind of tiring to be present all the time.  Especially when there’s so much good stuff around us to help us tune-out.  You have to work at it and be open to whatever comes your way.  Which means there’s a degree of vulnerability that comes with being real.  Like, you might say or do something silly and then feel silly then people will think you’re silly and you’ll wish you had of just been cool like The Fonz and didn’t say or do anything in the first place.  But I think The Fonz was as unsure as the rest of us and he needed love too.  Not just ladies, but real love.  Plus, he was just pretend anyway.

It’s so easy to slip into our same old soundtrack of negativity and self-doubt.  And it’s easy to be a part of gossip and useless sharing.  But there comes a point when that’s just way too boring for our spirits and those rare moments become the norm.  There’s nothing like a personal connection and as Claudia Garcia so beautifully says: “pretend that everyone you meet has a sign around their neck that says ‘make me feel important’”.  Then the potential to make those connections is limitless.  Love it – thanks cgg!

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Masthead photo from Franck Mahon’s photostream on Flickr

Claudia Garcia – Soulfully Photographic

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Who are you?

Claudia, a.k.a. “cgg”. Mother, photographer. Born in Montevideo, Uruguay & exiled to Canada in 1977.  My parents arrived with $450 in their pocket, 2 suit cases & 2 young children under the age of 7.  Through hard work, they were able to provide us with a happy home and education.  I have learned so much from all of their sacrifices.  Although I have lived most of my life in Canada, my roots and that “pull” to my culture has always been very much alive & raw inside me. This has inspired me to raise my girls as little Uruguayan Canadians. I only speak Spanish to them.  Spanish books and music are a big part of our lives. Thanks to YouTube we can watch different cultural events that happen in Montevideo, such as the yearly Carnival and various festivals and Skype keeps us connected to our family.  My husband (being East Van born and raised) has embraced this and has learned a lot of Spanish along the way. It is fascinating to watch our 2 ½ year old switch back and forth between Spanish & English depending on which parent she is talking to.

What do you do for fun?

Photography.  I love it.  When I was just a kid, I was fascinated with my father’s camera and would get in so much trouble if I touched it, but I didn’t care – I just HAD to hold it and sneak in a few pictures.  Those were the film days when film and processing was expensive.  At 14, I finally got my own camera and did black & white dark room photography for 5 years.  I have lugged my camera all over Cuba, Jamaica, North & South America through my travels. I love to document life – people working, people having fun.  I also have a thing for buildings.

What is your favourite community? Why?

My favourite community is the one we are submerged into right now.  We moved to the TriCities last year and our children attend a Parent Participation Preschool which is just amazing.  The group of families that run the preschool really walk-the-walk.  When one of the teacher’s husbands broke his leg, everyone got together and cooked up a storm and delivered meals to the family.  We put on a successful coats & toy drive this winter for our local food bank. The fund raising committee that I am part of has done a great job in raising the money that will keep the school up and running for next year.  Next month we are holding a big fair which will give back to the local community with bouncy castles, pony rides, and entertainment, all for a very nominal cost.  Thanks to this community and preschool, our children are in a positive play-based environment and it gives you the warm and fuzzies to watch them discover, thrive and gather confidence.

What is your superpower? People look at me and tell me stuff.  My skin must emit some kind of “truth serum” pheromone or something.  I am like the bartender in all the movies that you see working behind the counter and people come and sit down, order a drink and then tell them things their best friend doesn’t even know.

How do you use it to build community? Of course, this new discovered truth that people share now comes with a sense of responsibility because people often want words of wisdom.  This superpower helps me to build community one person at a time.  Someone once said “pretend that everyone you meet has a sign around their neck that says ‘make me feel important’”.  Every person is different, but fundamentally, people just want to feel accepted and we also want to feel hope.  By listening, it gives them permission to feel vulnerable which is very powerful.

My Three Favourite Things About cgg Are…

1. She’s Really, Really Nice. To make a long story short, Claudia played a very big role in getting my career to where it is today – when an opportunity came up at UBC’s Sauder School of Business it was with Claudia’s recommendation that I made it to (and through) the interview process and into the role. To this day, I am both incredibly grateful and also very much in her debt. Thanks, Claudia!

2. Photographic Awesomeness. Claudia has a wonderful eye that spectacularly captures the soul of people and places (see awesome photos of Uruguay). She’s creative, poetic, cool, and super-classy when it comes to the pictures she snaps, sure, but especially through how she presents her work – a knack for powerful storytelling is reflected by Claudia’s words and images above. Even through a lens people seem to tell her things! Oh, and any great photographer must have a strong entrepreneurial spirit, which totally shines through in cgg’s story of how her family grew a happy and healthy life in Canada while staying connected to their roots in Uruguay.

3. Intercultural Community Building. The fact that Claudia’s toddler can flip back and forth between Spanish and English – depending on the parental audience – will serve the child/children well in our hyper-globalized world. I love cgg’s stories about using technology (YouTube and Skype) to maintain a healthy cultural connection between the national/local communities of Uruguay and Montevideo as well as the very important connection to family.

Special Bonus Reason! URUGUAY! I love Uruguay. So does Michelle. We wrote about Montevideo a lot during our month in South America and, well, I can simply say that Montevideo is on of my “favourites” list of global cities. One of the reasons that we had such a great time is because Claudia gave me some great insider tips – because, like I said, she’s really, really nice!

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All photos courtesy of the lovely and talented Glaudia Garcia aka cgg.

Don’t Feed the Trolls: dealing with negativity in social media communities

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When I started a new job recently, I was stoked when I found out that my first project would be creating and managing a Facebook page for the organization. I’ve helped develop and administrate a social media presence for a few organizations over the past couple of years and I’ve always loved watching online communities develop and grow.

Trouble is, I’ve realized over the past few weeks that although I’ve administrated social media pages for varied organizations, they’ve all been organizations that have solid community support. And now, for the first time, I’m administrating a page that attracts a pretty decent amount of distrust, with a bit of full-blown hate and a couple of crazies thrown in for good measure.

There’s nothing quite like arriving at work on a Monday morning and combing through a weekend’s worth of wall posts and comments that, for the most part, are pretty negative about the organization I’ve chosen to work for. I knew when I took the job that it wasn’t going to be a picnic, but I may have underestimated the complexity of dealing with negative community sentiment. As a result I’ve done a lot of reading lately on this topic, and I thought I’d share what I think are the three best take home messages for keeping things positive and dealing with negativity in an online community.

1. Step away from the delete button. It’s easy for organizations and companies to head straight for the delete button when negative posts start to appear, but it’s not a sustainable or practical way of dealing with the issue. Being unresponsive is the same. It’s not a good look when organisations only respond to the people who say nice things about them, and if you’re not responding to any posts, negative or nice, then you need to seriously reconsider whether your organization belongs in social media. Instead of deleting negative posts, thank the community member for their feedback, respond to any specific questions and move on.

2. Let your community respond. If you’ve worked hard to develop an engaged and thriving social media community, then there’s a good chance that your community will respond to questions and comments before you even have a chance to. Let them go – a lot of the time your community are a better endorsement of the organization than you are.

3. Don’t take it personally. If you’re passionate about your job, it can be difficult not to jump on your high horse when people start to diss what you’re doing. Like I mentioned above, there’s something slightly demoralizing about receiving a barrage of negative feedback from your community, but you can’t take it personally. Stop, step back and have a cup of tea before your respond to anything negative. I guarantee it works.

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Masthead photo from this photostream, body photo from this photostream and this photostream. Both used with the permission of a Creative Commons license.

Talk to Strangers and Embrace Overheards

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julipan / flickr

My bathtub drain used to be clogged. It’s not anymore. And I can thank the following community-minded things for water no longer building up into some sort of “foot bath” during shower time:

  1. Talking to strangers.
  2. Overhearing community.
  3. Being un-plugged in the world.

So, like I said, my bathtub drain was clogged (this is perhaps the only downside to my wife’s thick and luxurious hair). As I spent some time running errands before meeting up with this blog’s Managing Editor, Kurt Heinrich, my travels took me to the East End Food Co-op (it’s one of the only places that you can get fair trade bananas in Vancouver).

Though bananas were the only thing on my list, I asked the very helpful clerk if there were any “environmentally friendly drain cleaning products” on the shelves. She said “sorry, but I don’t think there are.” The woman in line next to me, however, overheard my question and provided me with an answer: “depending on how severe the clog is, you can probably fix it with baking soda and vinegar,” she said. “Just put ‘em together and create a little cleaning volcano in your drain!”

Google later confirmed the success of this concoction.

And now our water flows freely. More than that, we have a sustainable solution for solving this problem from today until all of Michelle’s hair falls out!

Unplugging my drain came from being unplugged in the world, which allowed me to talk to strangers (who, let’s face it, are just friends we haven’t met yet) and be overheard by another future friend.

If this wasn’t community in action then I don’t know what is.

 

Good Grief

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I lost a dear friend last Sunday.  She was 37 and battled breast cancer for three years.  She lived and died in Australia and I met her when I lived there in 2003.  She was a few days away from being considered to be in remission, and two days away from her birthday, when her cancer aggressively resurfaced.  This time it was a brain tumour and the cancer quickly spread into her spinal column.  It would only be four more months until her celebration of life. She came to visit me in Vancouver in 2006 and we spent some time hanging out in Whistler.  Appropriately, I was in Whistler this weekend.  And I  spent it thinking about Karen, about death, about grief, and about life.

Karen was an incredible human being.  She was witty, kind, generous, and full of life.  She was happy with where she was and with who she was.  Perhaps more than anyone else I know, she found joy in most things.  She didn’t get stressed, she never lashed out, she had totally average aspirations, and her priorities were her dog, her family and her friends.  And she was hilarious.  She was raised in a Catholic family and I can hear her joking about having died on Easter Sunday and the parallels with Jesus Christ.  I’m sure her parents found comfort in that.

She blogged about her cancer journey because she couldn’t find information online about what it actually felt like to have cancer.  She also used her blog to keep in touch when she couldn’t get out of bed.  It’s painful to read her final posts before she got really sick.  But it’s also an incredible gift to have the chance to read about what she was going through, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’m grateful that I could stay in touch with her through social media.  As she neared the end of her life, her sister used her Facebook page to keep her friends updated.  It’s been over a week since she died, but I’m on her page every day reading all of the lovely words and photos her friends have shared.

I don’t know why it’s so easy to ignore the painful realities of life until they smack you right in the heart.  But it is.  We continue to eat crappy food, pursue unhealthy thoughts and behaviours, and misspend time and energy.  People often describe changes they make as prompted by a wake-up call.  Are we not awake every day?  Why does it take the real threat of death to make us wake up to ourselves?

During my angsty undergrad days, I questioned the point of life.  Not in an “I don’t want to live” way, but more in a Bittersweet Symphony way.  At the time, my very smart brother told me that the point of life is to have as much fun as possible.  I thought that was way simplistic and self-indulgent and stupid.  Fifteen years on from that, I now understand what he meant.  And I agree: the point of life is to live.  And to live in gratitude.  To be a good friend, ally, advocate, activist, community-builder, parent, colleague, and child, you start from a place of graciousness.

Karen taught me how to live life when she was alive and she taught me how to live in her death.  I’m sad but I’m also grateful for the reminder that our time is finite and each day is to be lived.  So I’m choosing to honour my beautiful friend Karen by having as much fun as possible.  I know I’ll forget and get irritated by the usual annoyances, like bad manners, alarm clocks, and telecom bills.  My simple plan is to keep a photo of Karen close at hand so I’ve always got her beautiful face to remind me to smile.  I like to think of this as good grief.

Living Happily with No Regrets

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My Happiest Day ( thanks to shawna / a thousand words photography)

In my family, death was never a subject that was avoided at the dinner table. So it came as no surprise when my mom sent my sister and I an article from The Guardian called “Top Five Regrets of the Dying” – it discusses the stories collected by a palliative care nurse over her lengthy career.

The number one regret of dying people was/is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

I’ll just let that sink in for everyone. Especially you, parents who are un-accepting of your child’s passion for haiku poetry.

The second regret was/is: “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

[Editor's note: Kurt, are you reading this post?]

Hopefully these two stunning – or not so stunning – realizations inspire you to change your life (or pat yourself on the back for living a regret-free existence!). If not, perhaps check out this blog post by Seth Godin, who breaks down the false-narrative of how so many of us perceive happiness.

One of my mentors recommends that our lives should be about collecting stories to tell our grandchildren. It’s a great message, for sure. And these are some of the stories that I hope to collect in my life.

Finally, let none of us regret or lament a shortcoming of kindness. After all, if the stories that we collect aren’t nice ones then we aren’t going to have too many people by our sides as we reflect on our lives lived.

Why Not to Hate Valentines Day

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Valentines Day is equally as loathed as it is loved. There are movies about people who hate Valentines Day and parties for people who hate Valentines Day. People will tell you things like, Valentines Day is just another consumer cash grab or that Valentines Day is only for people who are in disgusting love or that it sucks to be single on Valentines Day.

These people are all wrong. Unless you are entirely alone and lonely, meaning you have no friends and will see no humans or even dogs on Valentines Day (in which case I am very sorry for you and I wish someone would just find you in your hole and give you a cookie and lick your face) then there is no good reason to hate this day of chocolates and flowers when the colours red and pink are happiest together.

 

  1. You will get a treat. Kids like Valentines day because it means chocolate! That stands no matter how old or alone you may be. People carry around chocolates and cookies and candies and it’s almost a given that you will get your hands on at least one of them at some point during the day.
  2. It is an opportunity to tell your friends and family that you think they are awesome.  It is a fallacy that you need a hot date to have a Valentine. Mom’s make great Valentines too.
  3. Saying the word happy over and over has good effects psychologically.
  4. You don’t need to buy any presents but you can if you want.  Home made presents like brownies and pop-up cards are equally as awesome as boxes of chocolates and store bought valentines with pictures of trains saying things like “I choo-choo-choose you”.
  5. It is the punniest holiday of all. See train quote above.
  6. If for some reason this day does make you feel sad, you at least have a good excuse to treat yourself!

    My Punny Valentine

Some Ideas for Making Valentines.

How to make a pop-up card:

Take a piece of  paper. Fold it in half.

Take another piece of paper. Fold it in half. While it is folded, cut a few straight lines about an inch long at the fold. Open up the paper to 90 degrees. Push the little cut bits out so they fold the opposite direction. Glue the cut paper inside the other folded paper with the cut bits ‘popping out’.

 

Fold another piece of paper in half. Cut a fish-hook shape beginning and ending the cut on the folded edge. Unfold to make a heart shape, or cut out whatever other shape you like. My favorite pop up card had a Snakes on a Plane theme.

 

Glue this shape onto the “popping out” bits on the inside of the card. This will make the shape pop out from the rest of the card in 3D!

 

Voila!  Add your own super cheesy message and pass it on to see the look of joy on another persons face.

Happy Valentines Day.

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Masthead photo courtesy of @damoward

 

The Art of the Thank You

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Wow. We’re almost in the middle of January. Have you thanked everyone for the holiday cheer upon-which they bestowed you?

It’s important to say thank you to people – or a community – who (or that) have done you right. Saying “thanks” is the good behaviour that builds the unshakeable blocks of a positive and productive community. Well, it’s not just good behaviour; it’s the right thing to do. And, whether you’re thanking someone for a gift, their hospitality, a delicious meal, or a kiss on New Year’s Eve, well-honed thanking-skills will make you a well-liked, respected and receiver-of-many-cool-free-things within your community.

All you need to do is follow this successful strategy for saying thanks.

First, here are three keys to a successful thank you:

1. Be Genuine. Mean what you say. Take some time to celebrate the gesture (gift, food, information interview, heirloom) by sharing with the giver of time/ideas/food/things how said gesture made you feel. Expressions like “Thanks very much for taking the time to cook such a delicious and nutritious meal, Mom. I know that you’re really busy and I appreciate the effort that you put into dinner. The leftovers will be great!”

2. Be Timely. Always ensure that your thank-you – be it written or verbal – happens soon after the gesture takes place. This could mean right after a big holiday meal or opening a gift. For written thank yous, such as emails or cards, try to get them in the mail or into the Internets within a day or so of the gesture taking place.

3. Be Specific. People will feel (and remember) the power of your thank-you when you focus on exactly what made/makes you so appreciative about the gesture. You might want to say, “Mom, I really appreciated the peas during dinner. They reminded me of growing up and making smiley-faces on my plate when I was 10 years old. I know peas aren’t really anyone else’s favourite thing, so thanks for doing that.”

In terms of the mediums of your thanking prowess, I always recommend a triple-bottom-line or “triple-threat” approach. [Editor's note: thank-yous should never be threatening]. First, say thank you in person, right away. Second, send a short and sweet email – follow the formula above )sometimes I list my “three favourite things” about the meal/visit/interview/party). Third, if the gesture is extra special, such as a year of yoga or, in the professional world, an information interview, then send along a handwritten thank you card. After all, everybody loves getting mail and your card will be on display as a constant reminder of how nice/awesome/thankful you are.

So there it is. The recipe for thanking people in your community.

Thank you for your time.

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Masthead photo courtesy of artnoose

It’s kind of a funny story…

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Last night was a weird and wonderful one. So, I arrive home – chatting on the phone – to find my lovely wife, Michelle Burtnyk-Horn, in the living room working away on her computer. I hang up, give her a kiss, and she says, “I got bread on the way home.” (We’re super-romantic, by the way). And I reply, “Oh, that’s funny, because I got bread yesterday.” Michelle chuckles and says, “Where is it?” And I said, “In the freezer.” And then all I hear is laughter.

Here’s why:

Coincidence, connection or conspiracy? You decide!

Oh, it got funnier. We also bought delicious Apple Fig Bars, too – they’re a delectable impulse purchase at the counter of Kea Foods on Main Street.

Long story short, we each bought the same thing at totally different times without talking to each other about it.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

The Facts:

FACT: I bought Uprisings sourdough light rye bread and a package of apple fig bars from Kea Foods at 6:17pm on January 3, 2012.

FACT: I purchased the apple fig bars at the checkout counter because I know that Michelle likes them a lot.

FACT: I originally stopped at Kea Foods for mushrooms and I knew we also needed bread (for the weekend, though, not that night).

FACT: Michelle bought Uprisings sourdough light rye bread and a package of apple fig bars from Kea Foods at 5:58pm on January 4, 2012.

FACT: Michelle bought apple fig bars at the checkout counter because they are delicious. And she was hungry and wanted to eat one on the way home.

FACT: She ate more than one.

FACT: Michelle had no idea that I bought these items the day before. The bread went in the freezer. The apple fig bars went in the cheese-drawer. And I cooked dinner, so I was the only one in the fridge on the evening of Tuesday, January 3, 2012.

FACT: Michelle and I rarely shop at KEA Foods.

Testimonials:

 

“We just laughed and laughed and laughed. And then we hugged and jumped around a bit, you know, because we’re huge nerds. I mean, in our lives, this is pretty exciting stuff! It’s weird how it all came together, though, because neither of us said anything about it to the other – not an ‘I’m gonna get bread’ or anything. Like I said, weird. I guess it’s just out loving superconnection!”

- John Horn

“Despite the fact that neither of us routinely shop at KEA foods or purchase those items, it – oddly enough – didn’t seem that odd that we had purchased the exact same items. I mean, as John said, we do have a super awesome love superconnection! That being said, this occurance definitely warranted jumping, laughing, and examination on a world-renowned blog*”

- Michelle Burtnyk-Horn

Theories:

  • The Great Minds, Deep Love Theory:
    • Everything is connected. We all consist of protons and electrons and stuff.
    • Michelle and I have an uncanny mental connection.
    • Our minds, like our connected hearts and souls, work as one.
    • Each of our brains simultaneously informs the other of our intentions, thus, periodically, creating “double-up” anomolies wherein each person carries out the same thought independently of the other person.
  • The Boring Routine Theory:
    • We do the same thing so friggin’ often that our stale routine (unlike the delicious sourdough light rye) has trapped us in an inescapable rut.
    • Saying we need to “shake things up” is an understatement.
  • The “Big Sourdough” Conspiracy Theory:
    • It’s simple. The Sourdough Industrialists are controlling our minds with their delicious, delicious product. They have a plan. And it involves enslaving the world.
    • Bakers are merely the minions of this unstoppable doughy juggernaut of a world domination scheme.
  • The Total Coincidence Theory:
    • The universe is random and cruel hilarious and bestows wonderful surprises of bread and figs upon its inhabitants!
  • The Hidden Meaning Theory:
    • There’s something more to this than we know…like Michelle and I are going to have twins…or two sets of twins.

So, what’s your theory?

Whatever the case, this is just another story that shows how important it is for people to appreciate the little things in life. After all, such a silly moment of joy was a marvelous muse for the evening!

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*This claim refers, of course, to The Daily Gumboot. “World-renowned” claim according to John Horn, Kurt Heinrich, and their parents

 

The Gift of Time

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No, this isn’t a post about one of the greatest movies of 2011, In Time starring Justin Timberlake, which totally should’ve been called Justin Time starring Justin Timberlake, by the way. This post is about holiday giving.

The other day, my Superphone shared with me this video from The Project For Awesome 2011′s “How to Give Back” campaign on the YouTube:

I didn’t really get the “breasts on the homepage” comment because I’m not a regular follower of this initiative, but I very much enjoyed and appreciated the meaningful message of giving time instead of money and/or things as we give back during the holiday season.

Sure, “psychologists” and “professors” and “experts” will tell you that spending money the right way can make you happier, at least that’s an argument recently posed by the The Age’s Ross Gittins. Further, over the last month I’ve been engaged by no fewer than 20 of my Facebook friends as they crowdsource their projected holiday donations with questions like “Which charity should get my donation this Christmas?” or “What organization do you give to during the holidays?”

We know that holiday consumption and the spending that feeds it is addictive. While happiness is also addictive, I’ll argue that spending as giving is not the most efficient, rewarding or meaningful way to give back in our neighbourhoods, cities and regions. Giving time to your community makes a positive difference in these much more impactful ways:

1. Experiential Learning – you see the results of your work as it unfolds before you and supports/inspires the people who you’re helping.

2. Fiscal Responsibility – we spend more financial capital than we have while spending very little of our collective and individual social capital; giving time instead of cash addresses both of these challenges.

3. Volunteering is addictive – the biggest problem with holiday giving (whether it’s money or time) is that it only happens during the holidays; unfortunately, poverty, addiction, abuse, displacement, and many other anti-community problems happen year-round. Yes, giving time is, in many ways, harder than cutting a check; however, once you spend time on the front lines of community problem-solving and difference-making it’s much harder to stop doing it.

So there it is. Thank you for your time (during this holiday season and beyond).

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Masthead photo courtesy of Lester Public Library