Author Archives: Martin Muli

Valentine’s Day in Kenya (in September)

Posted on by
Reply

Courtesy of Demosh and the Flickr Creative Commons

Perhaps they are right when they say that love makes the world go around and truly it must be at the peak of all emotions.  Why else does it make you feel like you can move mountains? Why does it give you an adrenalin rush and make you smile when you know you cannot and you should not?  All those songs sung about it. All those poems composed about it. The warm fuzzy feelings you get when you are in love and the way your heart literally turns over when you see someone you really love – it does make the world go round!.  Love goes beyond the feeling that a man feels for a woman, or a parent feels for a child or a child for his mother; and simply is. It makes you feel content and worried, full of strength and weak, ready and unsure. And each of us loves the feeling of love.  So why wait for one single day to show those we love just how much we love them? Couldn’t we recreate the anticipation and excitement we get on the ‘day of love’ so as to have it every other week or every other day?  Think about it, why not have Valentine’s Day on any common day, like September 14!

Each of us wants to be loved and some of us need and know how to give and show it. But how often do we take time to celebrate it especially with those we love the most?  Celebrating a highly emotive, totally illogical emotion like love should not just be done on a single day that has been conventionally named the ‘day of love.’ It means putting this incomprehensible and intense feeling in a box and how could it ever fit? Any day should be a day to celebrate love and you should always be ready to celebrate love with your loved ones. Just be sure to make that the celebration count this time by showing it in the way that counts most to your loved one.  It could be as simple as holding hands or as elaborate as a trip to an exotic land or as romantic as a candle lit dinner and a moonlight walk – make it count!  Because you know that loving that person has made you a better person, a freer spirit and everyday you wake up, they choose to love you and that makes your life a little richer.

So this September let love take you over, make you a little crazy, a tad foolish and celebrate it with a loved one in a thoughtful, no-pressure and thrilling rendition of this year’s Valentine’s Day!

Check out how others (Kenyans) will be celebrating love https://www.facebook.com/valentinereloaded

Martin Muli

AKUKU ‘DANGER’ – THE POLYGAMY LEGEND

Posted on by
2

He had many secret nicknames from the many women he seduced, dated and married. He was Prince charming, master of seduction, danger, handsome, MOG (My only guy) and many other sweet and heroic names. Asentus Ogwella Akuku was nicknamed Danger by his peers because of his magic with women and love for polygamy. He was quoted in an interview with one of the leading newspapers in Kenya saying “I’m called Danger because I overshadowed many men when it came to women. I was very handsome. I dressed well and I knew how to charm women with sweet talk. No woman could decline my advances. I was a magnet.”

“Danger” was born in 1918 in Dhiwa district, Nyanza province where the US president Barrack Obama father came from. He had married five women by the time he was 22 years old! The grand master of seduction lived for and with women. He is arguably the world’s most polygamous man having married more than 130 times, divorced 80 women and sired more than 210 children. He married an 18 years old girl as his last wife when he was 79 years old ( Yes, 79 years old) and there after sired three children with the same woman. For those who still wonder where he got his stamina and physical fitness from, Danger said “I avoid too much fat and salt and it helped me to escape diseases.” He added: “I eat at the right time and I just don’t eat anything. I am served traditional food that is well prepared. I always eat a fruit after meals.” Good advice for those aspiring to inherit his lifestyle!

Akuku Danger is dead. He collapsed on a Sunday morning in his home, having lived well past his prime in age, but perhaps not in vintage. He leaves behind  a very ‘successful and productive’ polygamous family that yields all kinds of professionals and inhabits an entire village.

All these children will grow up without knowing each other and will most likely date a brother, sister, or aunty, cousin without knowing. With that said, is this kind of polygamy a good practice for building community?

The world has lost one of the most charming and industrious man whose life will definitely be a case study for the troubled institution of marriage.

Fifa World Cup: Africa Makes History

Posted on by
Reply

After 80 years of waiting, Africa’s history has been modified and strengthened by hosting FIFA world cup 2010. The vuvuzelas, the heavy traffic and city modernization efforts initiated and executed by South Africans to bring the 2010 soccer extravaganza to Africa is commendable. This is beautiful and big history for Africa! Africa will benefit from the 2010 world cup for years to come.

According to research posted on www.fifa.com, an accumulated audience of over 37 billion people watched the France ’98 tournament, including approximately 1.3 billion for the final alone, while over 2.7 million people flocked to watch the 64 matches in the French stadia. This gives an idea of how many people are watching the World Cup and how Africa can use this platform to change its negative image forever. For PR purposes we should have the following infomercials aired before the beginning of every match, at half time and at the end of every match:

Johannesburg is not the capital city of Africa, Africa is actually a continent with more than 52 countries! Africans don’t keep Lions as pets, Lions are dangerous wild animals only found in the parks!  ..and That Mandela is the President of South Africa and not Africa. All these infomercials  can help change the perception in the West about Africa. A good example is Melissa who toured Africa the other day and uploaded this on her facebook status “ ..Just learnt that Africa is not a country and that Egypt is found in Africa. This is all news to me as I thought Africa was a country  and Egypt was in the desert and that you would never get pyramids in Africa, just like you would get elephants in Egypt… apparently I am wrong.”

Pundits predicted that Africa could surprise many and lifting a FIFA World Cup Trophy. However, Africa has been surprised. South Africa has written history as the first host nation of a FIFA World Cup not to qualify for the second round! That means Bafana Bafanas’ dream of playing the eleventh World Cup special match ball named Jubulani made by the German sports equipment Adida at the finals will never come to pass. Jubulani is a isiZulu word which means “bringing joy to everyone”.

Ghana has made history as the only nation in Africa to qualify for the second round. Figures are crossed and many have sworn not to miss any match being played by the new “African heroes”. My friend who is a tech wizard in a busy organization and a football fanatic developed a solution named “ FIFA  World cup2010 boss management solution”. I have decided to share the same with you so that you can have freedom at your workplace and watch any world cup match without being terrorised by your boss. Remember this solution has worked in some organizations in Kenya and is only applicable until 12th July 2010. It reads:

Dear Sir / Madam,

I wish to let you know that the FIFA World Cup is about to begin. This is not just any other tournament, it’s the World Cup! Please note that this tournament takes place every four years and a month to finish, i.e. from 11th June to 11th July for this year. During this period take note of the following:

1. I will be knocking off earlier than usual in order to watch the kickoff of the first game.

2. Do not be surprised if I report a little bit late every morning, it will depend on the time the last game finishes.

3. Production will go up during this month as almost all employees will be happy and highly motivated (Check Maslow’s Motivation Theories with Human Resource).

4. I know you are into other boring sports like cricket, bowling, etc. Please, if you want to fit in the work environment for the next one  month, try to know something about soccer, even asking a foolish  question like “Is Malawi playing tonight?” that is if you really want to  fit in, or else you will be a loner for one full month.

5. Greeting each other in the morning will change from “Good morning” to “How was the game last night?”

6. I will not accept to work overtime during this period as no amount of money can buy me to miss a game. Therefore make sure you don’t give me any work after 16:30 hours.

7. I will need to be up-to-date with the latest; therefore, the first hour every morning is for accessing sports websites and other updates on the internet and also chatting with friends on phone.

8. Lastly, please do not think you can fire me should you decide to break any of the above rules, as you will have to fire everyone.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yours faithfully,

Staff

Cc:   Management

Cc:  Secretary General, Central organization of trade Unions

cc:   Human Right Commission

cc:   International Labor Organization

cc:   United Nations Council for Human Rights

cc:   FIFA

cc:  Moreno Ocampo, Prosecutor, International Criminal Court Prosecutor

The East African Douchebag

Posted on by
3

The Daily Gumboot team is more than convinced that the population of douchebags is higher in East Africa than any other part of the world. Well, the inhabitants of East Africa exhibit a combination of sophistication and traditional behaviours except for a few wannabes who’s lifestyles is a true imitation of the glorified Hollywood stars. While the bigger percentage of East African are extremely jovial and interesting, Hospitable and indeed fascinating, a few are extremely irritating, disgusting and serial imitators. We cannot forget how Clint Eastwood the famous American Actor, composer and film star influenced Kenyan bad boys and rapper wannabbes with his 1983 Sudden Impact Movie.  In an effort to identify with Hollywood stars, Kenwood wannabes borrowed a line from Clint Eastwood and the controversial Makmende was born.

Makmende is a glorified mid – twenties trendy lad who dons afro hair style and belly bottom trousers that sweep the streets of Nairobi better than the city council brooms! Single men hate him because he is a guy who will unapologetically and fearlessly date your girlfriend, your friends’ fiancé and neighbour’s daughter at the same day, at the same time, just at different venues! Professors call him genius, while the villagers believe he is an outcast. They have accused him of impregnating a high school girl by just standing next to her!  It is claimed that when Makmende was in high school, the school Principal used to wash his shirts and brush his shoes! He was a ruthless bully to the administration and a hero to the helpless.

Just a band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mG1vIeETHc&NR=1 featured Makmende in their hit song Ha-He and within a few days, Makmende was the hottest item on Facebook and Twitter. CNN investigative journalists where extremely shocked by how controversial Makmende was. They recently released shocking revelations collected from Kenyans who tried to explain who Makmende is:

  1. Makmende can die and read his own eulogy.
  2. Makmende will never be allowed in McDonald\s…it’s a conflict of interest!
  3. Makmende once visited the British Virgin Islands. They are now known just as the British Islands….
  4. Makmende is so huge, he can’t fit in Wikipedia
  5. Obama insists Makmende is his young brother. He has ordered DNA test after Makmende disagreed.
  6. Only makmende can pocket when he is naked.
  7. Makmende can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
  8. Makmende is a disgusting douchbag; he uses Viagra as his eye drops just to look hard.
  9. When he was born he cut his own umbilical cord!!!!!
  10. Moulder and Scully tried to investigate Makmende, thats why the X Files were completely sealed.
  11. Makmende is the only one who can walk to hell and the devil says “OMG”
  12. When Makmende’ sister lost her virginity, he found it and gave it back to her!

Do you agree with the first part of number 8? Have I found a douchebag in Africa?

Thank you.

This has been a profile of the East African Douchebag by Martin Muli who is not yet a douchebag!

Horn and Burtnyk: Kenyans from the Kamba Community!

Posted on by
4

kenya_ethnic_1974The endorsement of John Horn and Michelle wedding by the US president Barrack Obama – who has Kenyan roots – and the unwavering support the two have received from the Kenyan President got me thinking; What if the two were Kenyans from the Kamba community? Knowing how Africans adhere to unique traditions and customs, Michelle and John would have gone through a totally different process before being allowed to have their wedding in July 2010.

Flashback to the 1940s

We will assume that John and Michelle’s wedding was in July 1944 (My grandfather who is now 90 years old gave me a detailed account of how he got married to my grandmother in 1940s).

After realizing that his son has become a man, Mr. Horn starts shopping for a girl for his  son (young John Horn) by vetting different families in the neighbourhood. This is a fact finding mission which involves checking if the family has history of alcoholism, Curses, Asthma etc.  Depending on facts gathered, Mr. Horn will narrow down to two or three families then visit their homes to find out more about their daughters. Mr. Horn is then impressed by the chemistry between him and the  Burtynks and several visits to the family reveals that Michelle, one of the Burtnyk daughters, has been serving him every time he visits is hard working, respectful and humble. Without wasting time, he will book her for John by tying a thick thread around her wrist.  The thread signifies that Michelle has been booked (engaged) and therefore no one else can marry her at that time except the Elder Horn’s Son. Mr. Horn will then tell John that he has found a good wife for him. The Horns will organize a visit to the Burtynks and start negotiating a dowry price. At this point, John and Michelle are not allowed to question the decision since their parents know them better and will undoubtedly make the best decision for them.

Fast forward to 2009 history

John meets Michelle on campus at Simon Fraser University and they start dating and fall in love. John will then introduce Michelle to his parents as his potential wife. John’s father will then look for an elderly respectable man who will be sent to inform Michelle’s father that John is dating his daughter and they should agree to meet at a later date to introduce both families and negotiate a dowry price . Johns’ father will then request his brothers, friends and preferably a clan elder (Uncle Gary?) to accompany him to Michelle’s family to help in negotiating a dowry price. Michelle’s father will also mobilize his team to meet the Horns.

John and Michelle

John and Michelle - suspicious of each other and the Eurocentric traditions that will bind them in foreverness...

Team Burtnyk will propose how much they are willing to accept as dowry price for their daughter. Now this is the most interesting and tricky part since different families approach it differently. (Lets refer to a dowry negotiation i attended last year!)   The Burtnyks will praise Michelle as a well behaved, hardworking and lively woman who will make a good wife.  It will be agreed that since Michelle had no child prior to meeting John,  the entire Kamba marriage custom will be followed and therefore the standard dowry price will be paid. This includes 12 cows, 48 goats and several sacks of maize and beans and traditional brew called Kaluvu.

But before the negotiations are over, Michelle’s uncle will remind everyone that his “daughter” has been to University pursuing a masters degree, and has a well paying job. He will then ask for a token of compensation and will request that Ksh 0.6 million be included in the dowry price. Horns team will counter that until they agree.

After they have agreed, the Horn Team will produce three goats for theo ( the ultimate sacrifice that signifies

Meet the Horn and Burtnyk Tribes - when united they are called "The Bornks!"

Meet the Horn and Burtnyk Tribes - when united they are called "The Bornks!"

marriage) . John is required by Kamba traditions to slaughter one goat and that blood will then signify that Michelle has officially moved from the Burtynks and has become a member of the Horn family by all Kamba marriage traditions. John has a wife now and can go ahead and organize a wedding the Western way!

Martin Muli

From Akamba tribe!