The Daily Gumboot team is more than convinced that the population of douchebags is higher in East Africa than any other part of the world. Well, the inhabitants of East Africa exhibit a combination of sophistication and traditional behaviours except for a few wannabes who’s lifestyles is a true imitation of the glorified Hollywood stars. While the bigger percentage of East African are extremely jovial and interesting, Hospitable and indeed fascinating, a few are extremely irritating, disgusting and serial imitators. We cannot forget how Clint Eastwood the famous American Actor, composer and film star influenced Kenyan bad boys and rapper wannabbes with his 1983 Sudden Impact Movie. In an effort to identify with Hollywood stars, Kenwood wannabes borrowed a line from Clint Eastwood and the controversial Makmende was born.
Makmende is a glorified mid – twenties trendy lad who dons afro hair style and belly bottom trousers that sweep the streets of Nairobi better than the city council brooms! Single men hate him because he is a guy who will unapologetically and fearlessly date your girlfriend, your friends’ fiancé and neighbour’s daughter at the same day, at the same time, just at different venues! Professors call him genius, while the villagers believe he is an outcast. They have accused him of impregnating a high school girl by just standing next to her! It is claimed that when Makmende was in high school, the school Principal used to wash his shirts and brush his shoes! He was a ruthless bully to the administration and a hero to the helpless.
Just a band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mG1vIeETHc&NR=1 featured Makmende in their hit song Ha-He and within a few days, Makmende was the hottest item on Facebook and Twitter. CNN investigative journalists where extremely shocked by how controversial Makmende was. They recently released shocking revelations collected from Kenyans who tried to explain who Makmende is:
- Makmende can die and read his own eulogy.
- Makmende will never be allowed in McDonald\s…it’s a conflict of interest!
- Makmende once visited the British Virgin Islands. They are now known just as the British Islands….
- Makmende is so huge, he can’t fit in Wikipedia
- Obama insists Makmende is his young brother. He has ordered DNA test after Makmende disagreed.
- Only makmende can pocket when he is naked.
- Makmende can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
- Makmende is a disgusting douchbag; he uses Viagra as his eye drops just to look hard.
- When he was born he cut his own umbilical cord!!!!!
- Moulder and Scully tried to investigate Makmende, thats why the X Files were completely sealed.
- Makmende is the only one who can walk to hell and the devil says “OMG”
- When Makmende’ sister lost her virginity, he found it and gave it back to her!
Do you agree with the first part of number 8? Have I found a douchebag in Africa?
Thank you.
This has been a profile of the East African Douchebag by Martin Muli who is not yet a douchebag!
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What is this? I read every time magazine ever and never heard of this Dekembe guy. Is this I joke? Sometimes I just think you guys are operating at a different level. Not really a good one either.
- Pete
Haha! Hilarious. C’mon Pete, lighten up! XD
First things First. Real Pete, you’re an idiot. Thanks for playing, pal, but you need to expand your mind and embrace humour. For a media phenom, you failed to recognize a pretend Time Magazine as well as the most basic of literary ploys: irony. It’s okay. I know you’re busy.
Second, I must say that I’m torn. While I thoroughly enjoyed the back and forth between Michelle and Special Guest Correspondent, Steve Sloot, I think that this might be my favourite article of the series. It’s honest, unique, clever, funny, and begins with the understanding that I probably told everyone on the Gumboot team about the disproportionately high number of douchebags in East Africa – hilarious, Martin Muli. And nothing could be further from the truth, as you aptly pointed out. It was an experience meeting Makmende – not too sure how I feel about that guy.
Well done, Martin Muli. We’re lucky to have you on the team. Thanks again!