Editor’s Note: let’s face it, some people are just jerks/a$$holes/sharks/douchebags – and they exist in our neighbourhoods, classrooms, workplaces, families, and many other communities. Can, or should, we change them? Should all members of said communities be held to a higher, golden-rule-ish standard of kindness, inclusiveness and non-douchebagery? The question is discussed and debated below by superawesome Correspondents, Steve and Michelle. When you finish reading be sure to join the thread of commentary. Whether or not you pick a side is totally up to you. Thanks!
- John
Befriend a Douchebag Today!
By: Stephen Sloot – Special Guest Correspondent
Communities are chock-a-block with douchebags. Spend an evening at your local pub/café/park and you’ll undoubtedly encounter a table of douchebags whose football-throwing-Hollister-clad-Diesel-reek so disrupts your table’s collective vibe that conversation turns to abrasive mocking of said douches. Some of us (those who self-identify as non-douches; folks perhaps part of a food co-op, ultimate Frisbee team, or other things that White People Like) feel compelled to verbally tear apart this group, as though we were given special licence to vituperate the subculture without remorse. This does not encourage togetherness (a mainspring of community).
Douchebags can play an important role in your community. It’s unchallenging to see their negative impact on community fabric. Yes, their presence is a continuation of a high school cliché, the early douche antagonizing innocent drama club or student council members. [see Freaks and Geeks, ep 01 – ep 18]. The fully-grown douchebag exists as the metaphoric canary of community health. Their individual gravity codifies social structure, in fact.
Imagine for a moment that you and your special lady/man are walking down the street, maybe popping in to King of Dosas – a douchebag unmistakably buds in front of you in line. You’re a nice guy/gal…you don’t want to say anything because it’d just create more trouble/work for you. It’s best to be polite and stew.
Enter the anti-douche. These are the people who are specially designed to aid social protocol. They emerge from their otherwise gentile exteriors to out-douche the douche.
“Get the fuck out of line, douche,” the anti-douche will say. And 4/5 times, the douche skulks to the back of the line, muttering something about a left-wing politics and a Prius.
Being part of a community is not choosing a circle of friends. Douches belong whether we like it or not. Labelling subcultures breeds tribalism, the antithesis of community. Tempering the douche is the responsibility of all. Let out your inner-douche every once in a while.
If we seek to eliminate the douche based on a learned set of behaviours we reduce ourselves to: “if you’re not like me, leave.” The communities I want to live in, contribute to, they’re the communities that encourage constructive dialogue and concede that none of us are perfect, surface or in our safe enclave where everyone agrees. Difference helps us become better people, creative folks with different solutions to complex problems within our communities. Befriend a douchebag today!
For the sake of the community, bring out the antidouche!
By: Michelle Burtnyk
Do you like interacting with douchebags? Do you ever find yourself coming home at the end of a long day, fondly remembering your run-in with a douchebag: Man, I LOVED listening to that douchebag talk on his Blackberry to his buddy about how he was so much better looking that all the other guys at his gym, while holding up the grocery store line … that conversation was so interesting! Or, how many times do you come home from a party thinking how much more fun it was due to the high douchebag-antidouchebag ratio:You know, that party was awesome – I love how all those guys kept on hitting on my fiancé even though they knew we were engaged – they really know how to stir things up!
Don't let this happen to you - stand up to the Douche!
No, I didn’t think so. Nobody likes douchebags. Douchebags don’t even like douchebags. They’re obnoxious, arrogant, and think they’re better than everyone else. Luckily, most of the time they’re pretty easy to pick out – besides their dreadful attitudes and defective personalities, they usually sport pretty ridiculous outfits (stay tuned for Godfrey’s post on Douchebag fashion for top tips on picking out your resident douchebag).
Mr. Sloot would have one believe that douchebags belong whether we like it or not – and labeling a douche a douche leads to tribalism and a decline in community. I beg to differ. Imagine a community without douchebags … go ahead, it is possible! There would be less conflict, less tension, and less doucheyness in the air (due to the decline in Axe body spray sales, I believe). How is this douchebag-free community achievable, you ask? As mentioned, douchebags are pretty easy to spot. And, most douchebags are fairly cowardly, prone to skulking off once their inflated sense of self has been popped. Douchebags need to be confronted – it’s only in this way that they’ll realize their behaviour is unacceptable. While Mr. Sloot (in a somewhat douchey way) suggests we all let out our inner douche once in a while, I would suggest instead that it might be time for us all to look inside and let out our anti-douche.
Did you enjoy this post?
May we also suggest:
The East African Douchebag The Daily Gumboot team is more than convinced that the population of douchebags is higher in East Africa than any other part of the world. Well, the inhabitants of East Africa exhibit a combination of sophistication and traditional behaviours except for a few wannabes who’s lifestyles is a true imitation of the glorified Hollywood stars. Continue reading →...
You are in denial if, despite all these complaints, you don’t still on occasion admire their sequin covered muscles!
I happen to enjoy using Axe products and wearing child sized t-shirts, but by no means am I a douchebag. Excellent article, tho horribly offending to my orange bod.
Brillant argument. But I concur with Michelle – those douches need exorcism. No other way to get rid of the demons of… well you know what. (c;
Or would you guys wanna live in a society that adheres to the credo “I douche, therefore I am”? Let’s not take Cartesian thinking too far…
I sprayed my coffee on to my computer monitor as I read this (during a brain-break at work) – hilarious, hilarious stuff.
And I’m torn. On the one hand, especially when it comes to my professional development of students, I think that douchebags should be reformed – in business, nobody wants to work with an a-hole or a douchebag. A big part of my curriculum revolves around simple stuff our moms told all of us when we were kids: being nice to people creates trust and trust builds a solid professional/personal relationship and this relationship makes for good business. Nobody trusts a douchebag, as douches have a habit of siphoning off revenue to pay for hair gel and tattoos.
On the other hand, I’m all about inclusion and a myriad social fabric in my community. The pretentiousness and utter-arrogance of so many emo-hipster-douchebags really grinds my gears, but I’m more than willing to engage anyone with an idea about something on that subject. Community isn’t about being the same, it’s about a variety of folks sharing space. I cant imagine people would support a community made up of all John Horns (because that would be a terrible idea), so it’s good to have a wide, wide range.
In the end, I guess that I would choose whatever Martin Muli thought was right. Thanks.
Hate to say it, but in this case it’s about how these douches were raised or were they raised at all by loving people. That’s the problem. No person who receives lovin is gonna turn into a douche and that’s not to say you can’t have backbone. I’m not a geeky pushover, but I’m def not a douche either. Trouble is that it’s a mean world, PERIOD! My mom and I were chillin in her car enjoying a couple chicken sandwiches when she saw a mom walking with her daughter and decided to spring a smile her way. This women looked back at my mom as though she had pulled a gun on her and puked on the ground simultaneously. I walked by two couples while out jogging with my dog the other day and said hello both times and then one more time to the same ignorant couple I walked by previously. The woman actually snicked scoffingly… Like unreal how unfriendly people are. And we wonder why there’s terrorists, just think how angry they are with a much lousier life compared to this woman who seemed well off and nothing to be bitter about.